You know what also makes power? Or could make power? Kittens. We could make a machine to process kittens into redeemable energy. Like electricity. I mean think about it – kittens walk around our town at night, consume things like mice and warm milk – things we'll never eat so why don't we take them and harvest all that lost energy? Why not?
Same thing should be done with stray dogs. And racoons. And wild hamsters. There is all this energy out there that is sitting around in wild animals and bugs that should be translated to be able to power my iPhone. That is what I want and what I think society should get.
I guess kittens do contribute things to society. Like youtube videos. There's plenty of those and they certainly are helpful for mankind. I don't think there's any debate about this. So if we're not going to burn kittens for energy, at least we can use their stupidness to entertain us.
Keeping track of things can be hard. For some things that's fine, I mean losing track of a remote control, or a pen you like, that isn't that bad. But when you pay thousands of dollars for something that is different. It is a game-changer. Particularly when it is for work.
Now days technology and costs have finally hit a point where it is practical for an increasing number of companies to implement software/hardware packages for tracking equipment. This is the kind of technology that I feel like should have always been present. The ability to know what is where and who is doing what. It is like a SIMS level of perspective. The more information you have, the more capable you are to optimize things and I love the concept of optimizing. It is beautiful.
As companies are able to put more actual numbers to things businesses can become more science and less art. I certainly think art will be a factor for some time, but as we implement more and more tools we will be able to see more and more of the science behind things. We'll be able to make things numerically based instead of feeling based.
Mens designer clothing is one of those things that I know exists, but I never see. That's because I live outside of both New York, LA, Paris, and some other places. It's also because I'm writing this on 3 Ring binder.
Looking good goes places with some people. It will help you with the women. It will help you with the dudes. It will even help you with more women. Something about a well dressed man that makes women go crazy. It's no mystery, they just assume that it means you have money. Women love money. It means they can have babies and not worry about anything else. It also probably means you work a lot which is perfect. Keeps you out of their way. They're only interested in you for a few things anyways and most of those don't actually require your presence.
There is truth to the whole dress-for-success thing. That's why taller people get promoted more. It makes sense. If you're taller than me you must be wiser than me. And in charge. That was the rule for all of your formative years so why would it change now? Tall people are adults/authorities and short people are children/subjects. It's simple.
Keep the designer menswear in check though. Don't get too crazy or women will assume you're interested in different players. Not that there's anything wrong with that... (seinfeld reference)
Website design is one of those things. You know what I'm talking about... Those things that done right is almost transparent, but when done poorly is glaringly obvious. It's the terrible reality of design in general, so easy to get done, but so hard to get done right.
Welcome to the world of art.
I have some friends who do design, one of them is from Florida. Naples? Boca Raton? I can't recall. But I've never seen his work. And frankly I'm scared to, because what if it's bad? What do you say to that? That is the other thing with design, my personal belief on it is that good design isn't loved at first sight. It's questioned. It's one of those things that makes you look twice. You want an accessible example? Ok. I'll give you one:
The car industry.
Have you ever seen a new car model and thought, “Uhh....” only to love it 6 months later? That's called vegetable design. I just coined that term. It's not sugar. It's the good stuff. The stuff that holds over time. An example of this? Hard to say. Because design is factor of time. I had this experience with the current generation BMW X5. I was happy with the prior generation of it, but the new one I was hesitant. I wasn't repulsed, but I wasn't enchanted. The quick sells usually wear off. Keep that in mind when considering design. Your mind has to absorb a bit sometimes.
I'll tell you what I've never done; South Dakota pheasant hunting. It's not that I haven't wanted to. I mean if there's anything I think deserve hunting (besides people) it's going to be pheasants. Especially the ones in South Dakota. There's barely anything in SD so if you get hungry you're probably going to have to kill something. May be field cat or something but either way you're going to get your hands dirty.
In addition to never having shot a pheasant, I don't believe I've eaten a pheasant. Not to say I'm uncivilized. I've eaten chicken. Real chicken, not just the McD Happy Meal stuff. In fact I dare say if there was pheasant in my house right now I'd shoot it, and then microwave it till it became delicious and loved me. I don't know how long that takes, but I'll do it. That's the way you should go into a relationship, determined to do whatever it takes. If that's 10 minutes, or 100 years. That's how I feel about the pheasant. I'm committed. Do you feel that? That drive/motivation/hunger/determination/love? This has me pumped up. I'm determined. I'm gonna drive to SD, find a gun somewhere, and then find a bird and shoot it till it loves me.
The country is in shambles, and if you watch the Glenn Beck show you've probably already bought ammo and a machine gun and yell and/or cry every time you talk. That's reasonable. It doesn't mean you're crazy, or insane, or unstable, or should be institutionalized. Unless today is opposite day – WHICH IT IS!
Anyways. You know the depressing part of the country being in shambles is the fact that I can't count on anything in the future. Social Security? That's dead. That's why there's Social Security lawyers. Just check out Detroit. They're there.
The real thing that bothers me sometimes is when I hear older people talk about how younger people don't have any morals and aren't living their lives right. Gee. How has that happened? Maybe we should find out who raised them? I think talking poorly about the next generation is the most self-incriminating thing a person can do. Kids don't just end up crazy. They don't just spontaneously become moral-deprived and crazy. Someone raised them, and while you can't wholly hold the guardian responsible you just about can. Find me a good person, and then show me their parents – you'll find they are pretty similarly good people.
Any time you need open a phone book and start looking for certain things it usually means bad news. Like, “emergency dentist” or “Knoxville attorney” or “auto body shop”. I hate when things go wrong. Problem is they always do. If they didn't there wouldn't so many people who's business cards say “Personal Injury Attorney” on them. It's unfortunate, but just the reality of being alive.
Personally I've been passenger to more than a dozen car accidents. There was a period there where if you gave me a ride I assumed it was because you wanted to try to kill me. I'd tell people that in the case of an accident I wouldn't pay any gas money, kind of a double whammy but that was just the reality of you trying to kill me.
Once I came across a car that was rolled over, had blood in it, and a cell phone. No one to be seen. About 13 miles outside of a town in Idaho. It was kind of crazy. Turned out two girls had crashed, and then gotten out of the car, walked to the street and hitched a ride home. Apparently not too concerned with the vehicle. Weird.
Soccer betting is cool. You can bet on that. I mean what other activity can you as a young-something-something mother can participate in on a regular basis without requiring you to neglect your children. In between yelling soccer tips to your kid you can yell trash talk to whatever self-centered mother of a child is betting against you. If this doesn't make your day-to-day living better then I don't know what will. Gambling at pee-wee soccer games is the best thing I've ever done. Previously I could care less about what was happening at those athletically impaired people's games but as soon as I got Tommy's next month's worth of lunch money involved it's really gotten me involved.
Not only does soccer practice betting make time drag less for me, it teaches my kid the value of hard work.
“What? You didn't like not eating lunch today? Better go win back my money. HUSTLE!”
You think that kid is going to be a hard worker? You bet. I also bet, but we've already established that.
All my life I thought I had to bet on professional sports, that is cool but nothing as pure as amateur betting. So get a friend, go to a local park, and just start placing bets. It'll be awesome.*
Seems like every school should be a Massachusetts technical school. I mean isn't everything supposed to be technical in some degree? And in Mass? I suppose I'm just arguing semantics at this point but whatever.
I went to a normal school and sometimes I think, “Did I learn anything?” Because when you do technical training, there is defined and clear cut application. Which I like. My program, not quite as much so. A bit less. I don't really like that. I feel like everything should be taught with it's real-life application. Is that not practical? I think it is.
Sometimes I feel like the problem with education is that we teach people and we teach them by showing them what we've learned which I feel like inhibits the other's ability to learn it themselves. That's what I always hated about math, it was like;
Here is a problem. Here is the solution.
It was like, “HEY! GIVE ME A SECOND TO FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF!”
I always hated that. If you want me to learn, why are you telling me the answers? I understand like in English, this word means this and the such, but in math? In MATH? In math I think that's a terrible approach. You've given me the principles, now let me apply them. But maybe that's just me.
Teaching your children values is one of those things you have to question, you just have to ask yourself – what is the point?
I know, I know, you're thinking:
“Jon – there's no way you're going to convince me that my lying, stealing, violent kids can absorb values. It's impossible.”
Children really aren't all evil though, some of them even say nice things and then do nice things. It's rare. It's an anomaly, but it happens. In fact, some people believe that kids actually don't mean to be so heartless, they just don't know a better way. They don't “get it” so to speak.
I'm kidding of course. I'm almost sure of it.
Have you ever seen this experiment with kids and marshmallows? “You can wait 15 minutes and get a second marshmellow or eat the current one and not get a second marshmallow”. That's basically the experiment. Then you leave the room, turn on the camera and watch pure suffering. The crazy thing? This guy ended up following up on the experiment. He had over 600 individuals particpate, so he sent surveys out along with an S.A.T. Score request.
The result? Simple: the ones who waited scored higher, and were better at maintaining friends.
Do you know how long 15 minutes is? I'm not sure I'd pass that test as an adult..
You know what the thing is about normal furniture is? It's weak. You don't want to sit on the shoulder of a couch cause you might break it. Is that cool? No. Did Vikings ever say,
“HEY – CAREFUL ON THAT CHAIR – IT'S DELICATE!”
No. They never did. And frankly, I'm pretty sure that dinosaurs never did either. So – if Vikings and dinosaurs never did it, I'm not going to do it. Just like I'm not going to pay for food. Vikings never did that. Neither did dinosaurs. So that's my new life policies:
Only buy log furniture. Furniture made of complete LOGS.
One of the terrible things about buying nice stuff is that it inevitably wears down, looks bad, and then even though it may still be functional you have to give to a college student. So that's why you just buy indestructible stuff. Then you never have to worry. Unless you have a dinosaur of course.
When my bird first got obsessed with natural hair care products it was consequent of a late night infomercial I believe. If your bird talks and you have a TV, make sure to never leave the remote out for him to use. Particularly if he's an infomercial junkie. Now he's obsessed with shampoo. If you have any Dove product and you pull it out of the bag after shopping he goes,
ARE YOU DAMAGING YOUR HAIR?
Yes Fred. I'm damaging my hair. And you're a bird. So I refuse to take hair advice from you. My friends have started calling him “NHC Bird” for “Natural Hair Care Bird”. It doesn't seem to bother him. Of course he is a bird and mostly enjoys barking when the cat is in the room and when the cat isn't, he meows. Not exactly the great intellectual of the household.
Of course if your bird keeps hassling you about your shampoo it's gonna start affecting you. This has to be the most effective marketing ever.
YOUR HAIR LOOKS DAMAGED
Of course it does help that Natural Hair Care Bird only yells when he talks. So guess what? Now I'm buying natural hair care products. And taking the batteries out of the remote.
As a young-something-something-year-old, do you know how I get by? On my hair. I wish it wasn't that case, I mean I wish I could just get by on pure looks. But I don't have that fortune. My face is somewhat unpleasant. Nothing anyone gets excited about. But my hair? That's a different issue. It's like a miracle. If I lived at the right time in history and in the right location simultaneously I'm pretty sure that my hair would constitute some sort of idol. There probably would be some sort of wall carvings related to it.
As a possible hair-god I think it's only appropriate that I am very careful with my hair. I have to do all I can to maintain the long and well established leading position that has been my hair's lot thus far in my life. So is it crazy that I am inclined towards natural hair care products? Products specifically developed for my type of hair like curly hair shampoo? Or curly hair gel?
I don't think it's crazy. I think it's perfectly rational. My hair came from the earth and I think the products that care for it should too. It makes sense. Natural hair care is perfectly in-line with the rest of me. Does this not look like a natural hair cut?
Everyone who is hot is almost universally on the pilates. Ever been to LA? Everyone in LA is on it. “Los Angeles Pilates” they call it. Or “LAP” for short. And in Newport they call it “NBCP” for Newport Beach CA Pilates. Ok... I made that up too. But from now on I'm calling Newport Beach “NBC”. I think it works. Back to the point.
Something about pilates makes women look better I think. And I'm speaking objectively. Being a man I'm chemically only capable of speaking objectively about women, otherwise I would speak differently, but you can't fight your own chemicals can you? I think not. You want my theory on it? Here:
First: I think in anything you reward the action you want. So – if you are a business you reward customers that purchase things from you. You reward the ones that help you do what you're designed to do – stay in business. It's rewarding what you want. I think the same thing stands true in exercise. If you want to look like you can lift a Winnebago, you practice lifting things similar to Winnebagos. If you want to look like you are long, and elegant, you practice long and elegant poses. Isn't that all pilates is? Trying to stand in fancy ways? I think so.
Do you have Tucker GA storage issues? If you think you do it's probably because you don't understand what it's like to live in New York City. I have a friend who lived with my other friend in NYC and they shared a room. It was like 10 x 10 maybe? One had a loft bed, the other lived under it. And then they had a desk. That's a storage issue.
When you HAVE to shuffle stuff onto your bed when you organize, you have a storage issue.
Kind of reminds me of a joke by a guy Mike Birbiglia where he runs into a mouse in his apartment and is wondering who is going to have to move out because there's not enough room for the both of them.
The thing about storage that makes no sense is the whole reality of it – which basically is you bought something that you are now paying to store. You are paying for a relationship with something that you aren't having a relationship with and that you paid to start a relationship with. This is very similar to child support now that I think of it. If you want a kid, then fine. Have one. Live with them. Talk to their co-parent. Otherwise, it is one of the least rational investments ever. It's crazy.
Lexington isn't the friendly town you think. It has stuff going on. It has dirty, complicated, incomprehensible, legal stuff going on. It has, family law.
Yea. You heard me. Lexington family law. It's like Marshall Law but worse. It's like … … Zombie law. Yea. Chicken nuggets are to chicken as Zombie law is to family law. Make sense? You following this? If so you must be lit out of your mind.
Anyways. Everyone knows family law just deals with families and that a Lexington family law office isn't the same thing as Zombie law. At least I hope not. Although I suppose that is a bit unfair. I maybe am generalizing a bit? Maybe being zombie racist? Is there a term for this I'm overlooking? I hope so. Because if there is a better term I'd like to know it. And if there isn't I'd like someone to make it up. And then tell me about it.
Either way, if your town ever comes under zombie law I'm pretty sure it's a bad day for you. I wouldn't accept it. I'd get out. Maybe buy some video games, watch Michael Jackson's Thriller, and then take from there. Otherwise, you're probably done for.
You know why you need electricity in Minneapolis? Because if you don't have any it will get dark. Every night. Every day of the year. This is the reason of course everyone is interested in Minneapolis want a Minneapolis electrician around. If that guy leaves, everything falls apart.
Personally I think we've become too dependent on electricity. That and the internet. I mean what happens if either one of those things leave? What do we do then? No electricity? People wouldn't know what to do with themselves. They'd be running around like hyenas. Personally I try to go without electricity every other year. It's not as hard as you think it is. And if I can do it anyone can do it. First off – move out of your house and/or apartment. Living in a house these days is like being inundated with modern thinking and all modern thinking is frantically attached to this whole electricity concept. Second do everything during the day. It won't be long before you realize that electricity is superficial. Un-needed.
Hear that Minneapolis? Turns out you don't need your Minneapolis electrician. You can just live in the street, cuddle with vagrant dogs on the cold nights, and you'll be fine.
Who do you think is the best dentist in the world? Like they are such a good dentist, that when you visit them you leave not even caring if you brush your teeth. Cause you had a good time. It was great. It was a blast. You loved it. You had a fine time. You don't even feel stress about it. You kind of even feel good about needles now. You sort of like them, and that's without ever doing heroin. (very hard to do)
I'd like to find this dentist, because at the moment, I don't feel particularly happy when I think of the dentist. I don't think “dentist” and then smile. But I'm open to the concept. I have a suspicion that northern CA might have a great dentist. You know one of these really rich areas. Like a San Jose dentist genius or something.
San Jose has some cash flowing through it right? There's more than one billionaire hanging out there right? Like money isn't completely in short supply. The question is though, if cash would drive the world's best dentist. Or if to perform on that level he'd have to have some more altruistic motive. If that's the case then the San Jose Dentist may not be the solution. But worth checking....
Have you ever accidentally swallowed an entire water bottle that WASN'T biodegradable?
Have you ever had your shirt fall off in the middle of an important phone interview?
Have you ever accidentally stolen a Rolls Royce from your brother-in-laws Uncle who happens to be a prominent San Jose dentist?
Have you ever visited a San Jose dentist only to realize it's the same dude who's RR you stole the week prior?
Have you ever meant to shampoo your kids dog but instead ended up Nairing it?
Have you ever found out that your online girlfriend is actually a 14 year old socially awkward kid from a suburb of Tampa Florida?
Have you ever robbed a convenience store to only realize it's actually your own kitchen?
Have you ever been drinking milk only to later realize it's thinned white paint?
Have you ever been so dizzy that when you went to walk up the stairs instead of using your feet you used your face?
Have you ever had an enlightening conversation only to realize that the other person isn't really listening to you and they are actually an old Jenn-Air refrigerator.
Have you ever bought a new moped only to get it home and realize it's a drunk chihuahua?
In San Jose, like in other places, you sometimes have to go to the dentist. That's right. The San Jose Dentist. (I'm guessing...I suppose they could be called something else...)
Personally, I hate the dentist. I can say that because I have several friends who are dentists and they are all pretty universally hatable. You know those guys; nice, smart, in-shape, smooth with the ladies, etc. You know, the jerks. I hate all of those people.
Have you ever had a cavity? Like one that just hurt all the time and you couldn't wait – it was like a non-stop emergency that didn't actually threaten your life, just hurt you? And then – after hours – days – weeks – you finally get to the dentist, and then VIOLA! You're healed. It's like magic!
Yea. I've never had that happen. So...I'm not that into the whole dentist thing. I just brush my teeth and use super-glue* for sealant.
Anyways. I kind of got on a tangent. I had something to say about opening a San Jose Dentist office but got too distracted obviously. My apologies.
*the author of this post does NOT, nor anyone else he is aware of, recommend using super-glue for some sort of makeshift sealant.
Auto repair in Boise is a lot like auto repair other places: generally painful.
People as a whole hate doing auto repair because they don't know anything about it. It might as well be black hole repair. That's why it's important to get someone that you can trust, and who will explain crap to you in a coherent and reasonable manner.
I think the real issue with most repair shops, whether for auto or anything technical like computer or the such is the inability for those who understand the issues to explain them to those who don't. There's a reason for that of course; it's hard.
Do you do anything well? Do you understand anything thoroughly? Do you constitute an expert in any field? Have you ever tried explaining something from that field to someone who doesn't understand it at all? It's hard. And it costs money if it's your business. If you own a Boise auto repair shop, you probably don't enjoy explaining to an accountant what and why they need a new oxygen sensor. Same with when my parents want an explanation on why they need a new computer. The explanation part is the worst part. I just wish they trusted me because they certainly don't understand me.
So there's the trick; find someone you trust. (no one said tricks were easy) – actually...
Playground equipment is stepping up it's game. Let me tell you some ideas I have for playground equipment to step it's game up even MORE than it already has.
1. Have a human that is like 5 times real life. Then have steps that go to his mouth. It'll be made out of his tongue. Then the kids hop in and slide through his entire digestive track and land in a pool of water. Only one way out though; we're keeping this G-rated.
Man. That's all the ideas I have. And it's kind of a more low-brow idea. I mean what are kids going to call this slide? The "Brown Note"? The... man. I guess that's what they're going to call it since it's the only thing I can come up with.
I think these playgrounds need to get more with the times. More extreme stuff. Like slides that launch you into the air onto a rope swing. Stuff like that. Instead we just have the same old same old. Slides that twist faster or steeper, or that are incorporated into different things like elephants or things like that. Of course if it's not broke, why fix it? Particularly when it comes to playground equipment. I mean, do you remember playing on the playground? I do a little bit. But I don't think the playground mattered as much as who I was there with. Swingsets and slides are still pretty fun most of the time. And if the slide isn't, you just get some Pam, spray it up, and viola! Someone will be in the ER room within 30 minutes. It's easy.
I went to the ER once from a playground. I was on a big swingset. I don't think they make them that tall anymore, that or I've gotten taller since this incident, but I was on the swingset and some kid was like,
I dare you to jump off of the swing at the top
This was a simple yet effective technique for ridding oneself of other swingers who could swing higher than themselves. So, needless to say, I took that dare and jumped as high as I could, never really considering how I would land. Turns out I didn't need to really, my arm was all ready to break my fall. Not literally break because at that point I think my muscles were still rubber, but it did hurt like the dickens. Purportedly. I never actually felt "the dickens" before but word on the street is it hurts just as much as landing on your arm after jumping off a really tall swing. I didn't sleep well for a number of days after that.
I'm starting to think that maybe awesome playground equipment isn't necessary. I mean sure, it's nice. But kids can hurt themselves pretty well without playground equipment. In fact, I think we sometimes underestimate kids ability to hurt themselves without any equipment at all, never mind the needing of playground equipment. I mean we already give them bikes and skateboards and roller skates. Is that not plenty? Have you stepped on a skateboard lately? Are you over the age of 22? If so you're probably reading this with a cast on. It's just a reality of getting older. Everything that used to be a good time is now torture. All of it. Let's climb a tree! Is that exciting? No. It's horrible. You get scratched. You possibly fall. You never feel good if you get up the tree at all cause you have the foresight to question how you are going to get down.
Being a kid is rough. No reason to give them more things to get hurt on. Stick with the old playgrounds.
In Chicago you can't just let time pass by. You can't just sit still and not consider that Chicago will pass you by if you don't step up your game. And with your game, you gotta step up your house's game. That's why you need remodeling. You need a tile contractor. You need a helicopter with a giant Nerf gun on the side of it so you can intimidate your peers and be looked up to by elementary school children. I know this because every school child I've ever met I've asked one question:
Do you think that a helicopter with a Nerf gun on the side of it would be cool?
You know what they say? Yea. They always say “yea”. They all say it. Because school children love shooting people without harming them. It's their favorite thing. Inconsequential violence. They love it.
If only they loved laying tile. I'd have a bunch of kids, move to Chicago, and become a Chicago tile contractor. I'd be rich.
Having a helicopter with a Nerf gun on the side of it would also be cool because you would have a helicopter. Did you think of that? Cause you should have.
XML to PDF is something you need. Why? I don't know. Frankly I don't really know XML. So there's no reason for me to know exactly why you'd prefer it less than PDF. And if you preferred it more than PDF, you wouln't want to do an XML to PDF conversion would you? No. I do know PDF is pretty much a common format. Open Office lets you export to it. That's significant. Of course from all I can tell PDF is practically just a photo. I mean, I know it isn't a jpeg but it feels a little like one.
There's donuts in the break room right now and I totally want another one but I already ate two and there were only 12. If that donut is there in 45 minutes though I'll probably devour it. I love donuts. It's like cocaine that you never get arrested for. Are there health consequences to eating donuts incessantly? Yes. Happiness. They say happiness is one of the number one health consequences of eating too many donuts.
When I was a kid my dad would give me however many donuts I was willing to eat. 6? A dozen? It was marvelous.
With the new era of the two-thousands, I knew I had to step things up. No more of these out-of-date out-of-time things I'd been dragging with me from my past. I was moving on up.
First thing to go? Clothing that was just clothing. I'm not wearing that caveman cuss. I'm wearing digital. Either my clothing will be sprayed on out of a can, or my clothing will be electric. Like my toothbrush. I've been wearing shoes that have lights in them since I was 18 so I don't know why it's taken this long for me to get shirts that have lights on them.
The first time I heard that there was an electronic smokeless cigarette I knew that I had to drop the fire hazard dangling out of my mouth and move on. Move forward. Move towards the future and never look back. Of course the fact that I was smoking cigarettes while driving the bus for those little hellions some people call "kids" was drumming up a number of complaints. No way an electronic cigarette is going to get complaints. NO way.
Actually, I don't know if you've ever hung out with elementary kids, but they can complain about almost anything. Even electronic cigarettes. Yea. Kids are wack.
You know what else I'm over? These long term relationships that TV shows are always trying to rope me into. Like, "Hey, want to hang out again on Monday night at 8?" Heck no I do not! I'm my own man. I'll watch you when I want. And I'm not just referring to my TV recorder thing that allows me to watch the show later. I mean what am I going to do? Get home when I want, and then watch a show that includes me fast forwarding through commercials? I think not Gossip Girl!! I'm going to watch you when I want and how I want. I'm not at a point in my life where I'm ready for a relationship involving weekly interactions. I'm at a point where I'm ready for a one-night stand. Which is why I'm going to wait 10 months, let you hit DVD, and then watch you on Netflix on my phone while driving the 405 to work every day. Deal with that Serena van der Woodsen. Really. Deal with it. Like go to Europe or Australia or some other stupid expensive place where you can pick up on waiters and bus-boys with your top-only outfits which are ridiculous and fabulous at the same time.
Actually that brings up a good question; Are pants superfluous? Are they not necessary in high society? Or are they only not necessary for Serena? Cause if they are universally unnecessary for high society then I think that they may not be necessary for any part of society and if that is the case, I think we should know. Do you have any idea how much designer jeans cost? Any idea at all? Cause I promised this girl who calls me "her man" that I'd get her some jeans. I just need to know what I'm in for.
PS - dating real girls is outdated too. I'm working a smokeless cigarette which makes me think I should be working a bloodless girlfriend too. Maybe something like an online girl would be good. Keeping up with the times.
You are following this right? The electronic smokeless cigarette is legit because it doesn't involve carbon monoxide, doesn't stain your teethe, it's odorless, makes no pollution, has no tar, it never starts house fires (only office building fires) won't burn you, and it makes no second hand smoke! It's electric dude. The electric cigarette. It's electric.
You know what I like to do when I get crazy? Like when I've done everything else:
- kicked Chuck Norris
- did cocaine off the back off a sleeping triceratops
- gave a gorilla a noogie
- talked to a girl
- spraypaint "I'm too sexy for my pants" onto my neighbor's cat
- Watch "V for Vendetta" enough times that I actually start networking with people to overthrow the government
- prepare food for myself that doesn't just involve a toaster
- stab a knife
- ask my mom if I'm adopted again
AND
- tape bacon to my dog's backside
Once I'm done with all of that I usually am ready to take it to the next level. I'm ready to get real. Like real real. The kind of real that takes brains and guts. The kind you can't just make up, or have happen naturally. The kind that's awesome. That's when I break out the electronic cigarette. That's right: I take it digital. What? You're smoking analog? Like with fire?!! Who are you? - Linkavitch Chomofsky the Caveman? Your cigs have smoke coming out of the end of them? That's ridiculous man. Time to get with the time. Smokeless cigarette or stupid cigarette. Electric cigarette or record-player cigarette.
Have you ever attacked a person? Like emotionally? So emotionally that you needed a criminal defense lawyer? How about doing that in one shot. Like drive to a random city, find someone you've never met before, and say something so emotionally striking that you actually get taken to court over it. I'm not sure if that's possible. Try it. Drive to Pittsburgh, roll down your window and just let every repressed emotion out onto the first person you see. If you end up at a Pittsburgh Criminal Defense Law Office, let me know.
That is the great thing about language, you can attack people with it all day and you'll never go to jail for it. (Well, at least if you're not married to the person, or if they're not your kid, or if they don't work for you, etc.)
Of course, while you may not get put in jail for trash talking people, and you may never need a criminal defense lawyer, you may still get the crud beat out of you. In fact I'm pretty confident if you run your mouth long enough, in enough places you're going to pay for it. Maybe not in jail, but somewhere nonetheless.
When you have skin like mine, you may have a problem with oily skin. You know, sometimes your face feels like you slept all night with a deep dish pizza as a pillow - you know that feeling? Oil free skin care can be difficult for this kind of circumstance. The instinct is to use whatever possible to dry out your face, like alcohol or napalm. While this would might make sense on something like your driveway, it's different when you are working with skin. It has a mind of it's own of sorts. It's like someone who overeats; you empty their fridge at the end of the day and they just buy more groceries the next day. Does that make sense? Good chance it doesn't, but it could. Basically it's like trying to change someone by reminding them about what's wrong with them and why they're not trust-able. (which in the case of all of my roommates is the most effective approach)
Oil free skin care is difficult. Infact a lot of dermatologists don't have a single product that works as a solution. More of a shotgun approach and when you find something that works stick to it, also, if you've been using aggressive cleansers, back down, and try something gentle for a bit.
To bathe a cat requires brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction – and a cat. The last ingredient is the hardest to come by.
Are hCG diet injections safe? Ummm.... I don't know. Let me tell you what I do know.
1. To go on a diet that involves hCG shots means you will only eat 500 calories a day and inject yourself with a hormone that is prevalent withing pregnant women for about 30 days.
2. The FDA has not approved this hormone for diets but rather to help women get pregnant.
3. It is claimed that hCG shots will allow you to digest your fat deposits that your body doesn't normally access.
Is diet and exercise finally a thing of the past? Do we not need to work out any more? There are a couple questions you should ask when doing a diet: 1. Is it safe? 2. Is it sustainable? 3. Is there a better way? Many experts would answer 'no' to all but question 3 on the list there. There is a quote that comes to mind when considering this diet:
There are no shortcuts to any place worth going. - Beverly Sills
Of course Beverly could be wrong and I'm willing to bet that she doesn't know what hCG diet injections are so she may not be a good reference on that. Anyways, don't rush into a diet without consulting a doctor.
In Washington DC, people need a limousine service to get around. I mean, people in Washington DC aren't like you and me. They are important. They have places to get and they have things to do. Maybe they need to run to the White House for tea with someone in the Oval Office - yea - the OVAL OFFICE. Ever heard of it? Or maybe they need to go to the gas station to buy some Purple Stuff to drink with their breakfast? These kinds of things don't only happen to you and me, they also happen to rich and important people.
Because the limousine service in DC exists in such a different market than the rest of the country, aka it works with politicians, you need to have options that other places don't necessarily have, like a fax machine. All Washington DC limos should have at least 3 - 5 fax machines. Politics is all about right now, and fax machines are the most current and rapid means of communication. With out a fax machine you might as well be cut off from the world when you're a politician.
Another thing you're going to look for in a limousine service if you are a politician is a limo with your face on the side of it. That's why the perfect DC limousine service would have a picture of every politician's face so when they want a limo, they can always find it again when they go into some place. They just have to look for a limo with their face on it. It really simplifies things. If it was possible I'd say that every limo should have the face of whoever is renting it on the side all the time.
When you're a politician you always need to be letting people know you're out there. That you're just like the common man with the only difference being that you get paid 5 -20 times their salary and get a summer vacation every year. A good way a limousine service could help the politician to keep this on the top of the public's mind is to rent a limo with a flier distribution system. You'd load a PDF file, and then the limo would have 6 high speed printers on the roof that would print out those fliers right while you drive. Not only that the wind will carry those fliers to the American public and let them know that you are out there. That you know who they are and what they need.
The other thing that a limousine service needs to keep in mind is that politicians are stressed individuals. They have a lot to take care. There are people counting on them. That isn't an easy thing to handle. That's why a good limousine service would install one of those airport chairs into the limo as well, you know, the massage chairs? One minute of massage for a dollar? Five minutes for two, or something like that. You could put a massage table in there along with a masseuse but we don't need any more rumors for the politician and what happens if the limo has to stop abruptly? The politician would shoot off the table like a rocket and the only way to prevent that would be to strap him down and if you do that you will basically have constructed a lethal injection table for the guy. Turns out no one wants that in a limo.
While there are other ideas on how to target the politician market I'm pretty sure that all the other ideas are bad. Like terrible. Keep it simple: a fax machine, six printers, and an airport/mall massage chair.
In Mobile AL, skin care is important just like it is EVERYWHERE ELSE. If you've ever had bad skin, you'll know what I'm talking about. That's the thing about people who have good skin, they never think skin care is important, because you can't miss what you don't not have - make sense?
A person who with good skin who doesn't think skin care is important is like a rich person who says, "Money isn't everything" as if money isn't that big of a deal. Of course it isn't that big of a deal - YOU'RE RICH. Being rich isn't just a condition. It's a state of mind. A state of mind that allows you to say things that amongst your friends sounds deep but amongst anyone else is clearly asinine. Like "Money isn't everything". Yea. We know that. I don't eat Mac and Cheese and think that I'm eating money. I don't ride the bus to work and think that I'm riding money. Everyone knows money isn't everything, but at the same time everyone knows it's one of the big things.
What was I talking about? Skin care? Yea, that is pretty important. Take care of it or lose it.
If you've had a bad night and it was consequent of sleeping on the floor at an auto body shop in Spring Hill FL, then I have some advice for you: stop sleeping on floors.
Sleeping on floors anywhere, including auto body shops, can be bad for your back. You could need to go to a back doctor after doing that for very long. Of course there always is context right? I mean maybe you have a good reason for sleeping on that auto body shop's floor. Like you own the shop and you were finishing things up that night and it was like 3 am and you had an hour drive home and then an hour drive back and you needed to be back by 8 so you'd have to drive for 2 hours and then the regular getting ready stuff at your house so you'd only get two and a half hours of sleep if you left. If your situation was like that, then I'd understand. I mean I slept on a kitchen floor once just because my house was 3 minutes away and I was really tired. Not nearly as good of a reason. Not nearly.
In Miami massage therapists can be anyone. They could be your neighbor. They could be your landlord. They could be your friend. Lets aim for the latter option. If they are your friend then you can get free massages. Because that's what massage therapists do. They give massages.
I'm thinking I might start telling people I'm one of those massage therapists, and that's how I'll say it too, I'll be like;
You know, I'm also one of those massage therapists. You've heard of them right?...
Then they'd want to be my friend. But when they realize that I give terrible massages they'll never ask for a massage from me again but by that time it'll be too late because we will already be friends!! GENIUS!!! MY PLAN IS UNSTOPPABLEEEEEE!!!!!
It might actually be stoppable. But I think it will hold up for a while. At least a little bit.
If that doesn't work I might just tell people I'm rich. That's an exchange of goods right? They'll be like,
I have a great personality and attractive friends, I'll feed of you, sometimes quite literally, and you can socialize with me.
I heard that worked for Tyson. Though he was rich. So a little different.
I bet if you did cosmetic dentistry in Washington DC that you'd get a lot of business. Of course that's pretty well based on the thought that everyone in DC gets in a lot of fights. And I figure whenever you get in a fight you end up getting punched in the mouth. I don't know if that's right. But if it is you basically creates the following cycle:
1. Fight
2. Get Cosmetic Dentistry Work Done.
3. Repeat
See how that works? You basically would want a membership with a cosmetic dentist. You'd have a gym membership, a Blockbuster membership, and a cosmetic dentist membership. How much that would cost on the other hand I have no clue. But it won't be cheap. My impression is that it will cost you upwards of five thousand dollars. Is your face worth that much money to you? It may not be. But it could be.
Personally I've never had cosmetic dentistry work done. But you know who has? Celebrities. I'm guessing but I'm probably right. Rich people do everything. And if my living depended on my looks (it doesn't but it totally could) then I'd probably do it too. It would be an investment. An investment into my face.
I'm going to move to Louisville. Then I'm going to start a band and call it, "Heating and Cooling". You know why? Because when we show up to the club, they're going to want to turn up the cooling system because for the entire length of the show we're going to be heating that place up. It'll start cool, and then it will end hot. But starting out with "cooling" doesn't seem as cool. Ironically. That's why I'm sticking to Heating and Cooling for the band name.
The other thing is we're going to really be heating the whole time we're there. We're going to be bringing the heat. The venue is going to have to bring all of the cooling. If they don't, we just might bring so much heat that the venue burns down. We'd be known as the venue killers. So hot, that we're too hot. Not only too hot to handle, but too hot to invite over. That's a different degree of hot. That's a degree that needs a warning. The Food and Drug Administration should issue a warning about us and make us wear it on clearly visible shirts at all times. It would be like;
This band member along with this band,
"Heating and Cooling" may be hazardous
to both the viewers and the venue.
In some places of the world they don't have auto glass - they have bikes. If you think I'm talking about Baton Rouge, you're totally off base. Baton Rouge is full of auto glass.
I'm talking about the ocean. No one in the ocean has auto glass, they have boat glass. Is there a difference? It's hard to say honestly. Mainly because I don't know, but I can assure they don't have the same legal requirements for boat glass as auto glass. How can I be so sure? Because they don't have to crash test boats. Man, what a relief that has to be as a boat manufacturer. Not having to drive your boat into a concrete wall at 45 mph just to see what happens when someone drunk does that.
Boat accidents certainly aren't as frequent as car accidents, but when they happen they can be just as ugly. There is the good news that if you get thrown from the wreckage you land on water, but then there is the bad news that people who are unconscious on water have a tendency of drowning. Can't win everything.
One thing I don't think you need to worry about as a boat owner is hitting a car because boats are at least twice as strong as those and you'll be fine.
If you live in Baton Rouge you probably have glass your automobile, and in the "industry" they call this "auto glass". Auto glass is important. You may have never thought about it before but this is what keeps those regular bugs, and those uncoordinated birds from hitting your face as you do 90 mph down the freeway. So yea, it's important.
You may think auto glass is just like other glass, but it isn't. Try this:
- Go to a car window and punch your arm through it.
You'll probably be ok. Now do that with a house window. You probably noticed that the house window kind of shattered and shards of glass then slashed you all up. See how that hurts a lot more when the glass shatters? That's why auto glass is designed to stay in it's place even when broken. It has a coating or a film of sorts that keeps the glass from just shooting around and cutting people up.
In my first car roll because of the age of the car the glass wasn't all auto glass safe, so it shattered and actually landed in this girl's back. Very unfortunate for her. Luckily in cars built today that isn't an issue.
When Pennsylvania was invented, everyone knew they'd make a town called Pittsburgh, but no one knew that they'd have retirement communities. Do you want to know what I'd do if I had an assisted livinig community all to myself? I'll tell you.
1. I'd hire only really friendly and fun people.
2. I'd install fence that instead of being electrified bursts into flames whenever you touch it.
3. I'd install a retirement home water park with a wave pool and waterfall.
4. I'd install trampolines in the hallways so you didn't have to walk.
5. I'd hire koala bears to just hang around and be adorable and tattoo "Senior Living" on their arms.
6. Instead of stairs I'd have slides.
7. Around the retirement home I'd have a go-cart race track and all disputes would be settled there.
8. I'd put a taco stand every 50 feet so if you get hungry, only 50 more feet and you get a taco!
9. I'd have donut stands between the taco stands so if you get hungry for a donut, VIOLA!
10. I'd have moving sidewalks for where the trampoline sidewalks aren't at and then I'd make them go like 30 mph.
I'll let you know when it's finished. It will be awesome.
I'm going to tell a story about some people in Cleveland Heights Ohio who want to go to chiropractic school.
Hey Phil - I'm going to go to chiropractic school!! - That's stupid John, don't you know chiropractic school isn't real? It's just witchcraft! Really? My grandma was a witch! - No, what I mean is that they don't teach real medicine at chiropractic school, they teach hogwash!
This isn't an entirely uncommon misconception. I used to have a girlfriend who's mother believed that the chiropractic field wasn't to be trusted. I disagreed with her but couldn't tell her that because my girlfriend was very attractive. It completely negated my abilities to disagree with her effectively. I basically just became an idiot any time I was around her so she basically could have made the argument that the President was an alien and that space was actually made out of soup and I would have been like, "Yea, I've always thought that. I just didn't know anyone would agree with me before now..." Needless to say she never changed her mind about the chiropractic field. She just stuck with Advil long periods of back discomfort. You know, everyone has to go with what works.
If you've ever been to Cleveland Heights Ohio you'll know that it is chuck-full of people and almost all of those people it's full of have one thing in common: backs. Yep, Ohio is almost all people with backs which brings me to a subject I've been meaning to discuss with you: the chiropractic industry.
Just to be clear for everyone reading who has been in to see a chiropractic professional; going to one once, or even several times doesn't certify you as a chiropractic professional. In fact, I'm pretty sure that chiropractic professionals have to go to school, it might even be a medical school of sorts. I'm not positive but I think there is a fair chance.
Why is it that with the chiropractic industry everyone thinks that a visit constitutes training? No one is ever like,
"What? You got a headache? Probably a tumor. I had to get brain surgery for that once - here, sit down, I'll take care of it for you."
The chiropractic industry is the only industry this happens in. It doesn't even happen with oil changes. Some people won't even try changing a tire after seeing it done, but for some reason, in the chiropractic industry, once anyone sees it, they all think they've learned it. It's ridiculous.
I'd like to live in Orlando with an all windows house. You know, just tons of windows. There's a house that some guy built, it is in Suffolk England and the majority of the house is windows. He's the guy they're talking about when they talk about people who live in glass houses.
They commissioned the house to be built for retirement and he apparently wanted a lot of light. Saying it has a lot of "windows" may not be entirely correct because it is really windows, it's more just glass. Windows implies that the glass is creating a break in something that is opaque, but these aren't. The only opaque things surrounding them is the frame of the house.
The way the design was done, as you will see in the photo, is they actually made it so the roof could slide over the glass portion of the house so you could have a cover when you wanted it - like in the summer when you don't want to retain the heat, and you can leave it open when you want like during the winter days.
Truth is I love windows and I love this house. I'd like to live in it. And own it. Forever.
What happens in Mobile AL almost always involves pests which is why in the south, you need pest control.
One summer my cousin who I will call Stone Cold Austin, stepped in a fire ant hill. Those fire ants hated Stone Cold Austin so much that they bit him all over the place. It was like Stone Cold had insulted their Queen or something. I remember in that moment, while standing there, watching what I could only assume were the last moment's of Stone Cold's short unnotable life, all I could think was:
"Why didn't I become a pest control man and stage a preemptive attack on these life sucking vermin?!"
Stone Cold did survive, but it was a close call. When the paramedics showed up all that they yelled was:
"WHY DIDN'T ANYONE HIRE PEST CONTROL!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!"
When Stone Cold came out of it we had to explain to him what happened. He couldn't understand it. He couldn't comprehend why such angry little insects existed on earth. Why didn't those ants realize he stepped on their home and killed dozens and dozens of their compatriots simply by accident. He was just a kid.
If you live in Pennsylvania or any other state for that matter and have seen Happy Gilmore, the zero Oscar-nominated hit film of the 1990s, you'll know that a few concerns could come into play when moving into a retirement community. Take for example when Ben Stiller makes the inmates residents sew clothes for their keep. Or garden. You may recall that driving to visit his grandma at one point a resident inmate throws herself on the hood of Happy's car and yells:
GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!
To which Happy dumps fast food on the window of his car in hopes of appeasing her. If you are looking at an assisted living environment and it is set up in such a way that someone could get hit by a car, you might want to look somewhere else.
Later in the show we see that an air conditioning unit Happy tries to fix actually falls on the woman who jumped on his car. This kind of shoddy upkeep is what can end up starting fires and a host of other health risks at retirement homes.
You'll also notice that in addition to these lessons, there were not nearly enough personnel to attend to all the retirement home residents. Happy Gilmore: an example of what to avoid in retirement homes. Keep it in mind.
If you live in Scottsdale AZ, you probably have noticed you need to lose weight. Yea. I know. Sometimes you think about weight loss when you're alone and realize your pants can stay up without suspenders. HOW FAT ARE YOU?
I think most people would say that if your pants can stay suspended without suspenders then something is wrong. Like a belt.
Being skinny is only in because it's so hard to do lately. How am I supposed to stay skinny when I consume 1000 calories a day in Starbucks, and then another 2000 calories in hamburgers and then another 3000 calories in energy drinks? Do you think I'm going to sweat that off!!! Cause if so you're WRONG!! SO WRONG!! I need a pill to burn those kind of numbers.
While I agree that weight loss is certainly important, the important thing is to hit that point that where you are healthy, even if healthy for you doesn't mean you look like Twiggy. Sometimes just removing the junk we eat out of our diet can significantly induce weight loss without any additional exercise, and while that's not the ideal (lack of exercise) it certainly is a step in the right direction.
The first time I went to Baton Rouge, I - like most people - ended up in a law firm, but not before ending up in a jail cell. The thing about Baton Rouge is if it's technically illegal, they will arrest you for it. It's just a fact and that for me is just a bit over the line if you know what I'm saying.
The law firm I ended up at sure didn't understand what I was saying and the fact of the matter was I didn't understand what they were saying either. My mom was from Georgia so I figured that I'd be able to understand people from this part of the country but then the more and more I thought of it I realized I had never, even once understood something my mother had said to me. Not anything.
Of course understanding anything said in a law firm is a tall order in the first place. Especially if it's any sort of technical law firm, then it's entirely incomprehensible. It's like talking to a child. Even if you can grasp a semblance of a word here or there when you put them together it's still just hogwash.
Don't get me wrong, the law firm had great treats and I loved the place. I just have no idea what was said or what I was paying for that's all.
There has been a lot of speculation going around Hartford, CT that the dentist may actually be the devil. Let me clear that up for you: He's not. Would you like some more proof? How about a list? I'll give you a list:
6 Reasons the Dentist isn't the Devil:
1. The devil never went to dental school. Getting in is too hard.
2. The devil hates anesthetic, if it was up to him he'd skip straight to the drilling.
3. Your dentist doesn't have horns, which the film Legend has firmly established that the devil does have.
4. Your dentist doesn't have an evil laugh when you squirm. (He doesn't does he??)
5. Your dentist accepts dental insurance and it is a wide known fact that the devil never accepts insurance.
6. The devil would rather you keep that cavity
See? Are you convinced now? Your dentist clearly isn't the devil, I can understand if you hate him, but that isn't the same thing. I hate the police and the only crime I've ever committed was driving an unregistered car. That was it. And I got pulled over on my birthday. But I still don't think that that policeman was the devil. That would be ridiculous.
You may not know this, but you can get a disease from practicing golf. It's just recently been discovered and is a consequent of two elements combining into one:
1. Too much time.
2. Too much golf.
That's right. It's Golf Practice Aids. Aids used to be just thought to be a purely sexual disease. It isn't. In the last few years we have learned more about this modern black plague than we ever could have guessed or made up. (with the exception of this post of course. Of course.)
Tthe way it happens is tragically complex. When a man loves a sport, and that sport involves a small car, metal sticks, large quantities of open time, and a bar that is driven right to you that man can have a million things can go wrong. Not the least of which is Golf Practice Aids. See, the coating that is used on many of the modern golf clubs of today isn't arsenic - that would be a relief compared to what it is. It's Aids. It will break down your auto-immune system. The little golf club like cells start forming - a mutation if you will - and then start swinging violently at red cells.
Hey there Orange County just south of Los Angeles - I heard you're HIP too!!
Hey-Hey, what's up Long Beach. I heard you're so hip that when your grandma fell down and broke hers you just happened to have an extra to give her and she just jumped right back up.
Whoa-Whoa Glendale e e e! ! ! ! I heard you just kind of want to be hip but aren't. Kind of like Sherman Oaks and West Covina but not even as hip as them.
WHAT?!
Being hip isn't just about location. It's also about your character. What you're MADE OF. Sometimes things don't go well and you need to REASSESS. Dig it? Take an earthquake. Sometimes something like an earthquake can shake you. Shake you to your very CORE. Do you know what you need to do then? DO you? You need foundation repair. I'm not talking about make-up. I'm not talking about that kind of foundation repair. I'm talking about your soul brother. I'm talking about reassessing your heart. THAT kind of foundation repair. You need to CHANGE. Change your mind. CH-CH-CH-CHANGE!!
You know what I say? I say change or die. Do you think that's a THREAT?! If you said "yes", you're correct.
Do you want to get high? Not like real drugs high, but like a cool type of high. Like chemical based? Ok, ok. Do you have 5 bucks? Do you have no self-respect? Good...good... Ok. Go to your bulk grocery store, find the Hostess aisle, now buy 5 dollars of whatever the cheapest Hostess product is, go home, and eat all of it. Time how long it takes you to throw up and then report back in the comments on here.
If you don't want to support some big corporate monster like Hostess to get high legally, then maybe you'd like to try JWH-018. Yea, you heard me. JWH-018. Does that sound like a new age religious break off of some older religious break off? Cause it isn't. It's lots cooler than that. It's like pot but more expensive, not illegal, and can be bought with a credit card.
Do I want you to switch to JWH-018 from pot? No. I've never even done JWH-018. At least not that I know of. Maybe I wake up in the middle of the night and buy it and then eat it with pizza. I've never even done pot. So you're barking up the wrong tree.
Do you live in a crappy state? Do you need a divorce? Getting a divorce in NJ may not be as great as you think it is. What? You want reasons? Ok. I'll give you some but first I'd like to give you some good reasons NOT TO get a divorce:
1. They cause you more trouble than they solve
2. Uhh.... I think number 1 covers it actually...
Here's the thing about getting a divorce - you will be happy for a while, because you totally hate how that guy/girl does that one/multiple thing(s). But then give it a few minutes. Give it a couple of months. You're going to get lonely. Sure you'll have a fling once or twice with someone(s) that seem exciting for a bit before you realize that they are completely stupid, but you could have done that while staying married; did you realize that? I mean divorce is pretty much an infidelity to your vows at marriage anyways, so what's the difference between getting divorced and just having an affair besides extra costs and extra hassle? Anything? Nope. Nothing.
Whoa! Are you crazy? Don't cheat on your spouse, just go visit a friend for a week, get some space, slow crap down and be rational for two minutes of your adult life. An affair isn't the answer.
Selling lemonade is predictable as a kid. Any run of the mill I am devoid of bowel control while unconscious for 8 hours every day type kid can do it. Steal some lemons. Steal a table. Steal a market. Steal some cups. Steal some paper. Steal a marker. And *VIOLA*, you've made tons of money!!!!
Corporate theft isn't knew, but just because every other kid on the street does it doesn't make it ok. I wasn't into that. All the shadiness. All the hiding. Cooking the books. So I took a different route to get my ice cream truck money: brokering. Yea. I became a business broker. I'd approach these kids and be like, "Hey. Susie. You ready to sell or do you want to keep slaving away at these ridiculous business during these ridiculous hours with that ridiculous look on your face?" Then they'd say that they didn't want to sell and then they'd be like, "Well...what is my business worth?" and I'd be like, "It's worth a dollar fifty what do you think it's worth!?! You are the owner/operator of the most successful lemonade stand in this elementary school district and you want me to believe you don't know what it's worth????? Like Cocoa Puffs!!!"
That's when they'd bite, and we'd be in business...
To get a sale done, the business broker needs to almost be invisible. The relationship between the seller and the buyer needs to become a relationship of trust. They say that for a sale to go through there has to be 6 contacts/discussions/meetings that occur between these two individuals. Without that, something just isn't there.
So if you are buying, and you want to buy a specific business, you need to make those contacts. They may be a call, or a lunch. There is a degree of courting that needs to be here. A good business broker will realize this and if you don't know better, you may feel like the business broker is trying to get you two to go on a date.
Selling a company is personal. Particularly if it's something that the seller built themselves. It is a part of the seller. And even though circumstances have in one way or another pushed them to this step of selling they still will likely have an emotional attachment to the company and consequently will have to trust you one way or another.
Rushing through a purchase is never a good idea from almost any point of view, let the seller know your intentions, talk open and frankly with them, then once that is established, you can start negotiating like your life depends on it. But if the seller doesn't have some degree of interest in you specifically at the point of negotiation (ask any business broker or business brokers) ; you'll have a hard time.
