Whoa, how do you turn your shirt on? (the electric cigarette)

With the new era of the two-thousands, I knew I had to step things up.  No more of these out-of-date out-of-time things I'd been dragging with me from my past.  I was moving on up.

First thing to go?  Clothing that was just clothing.  I'm not wearing that caveman cuss.  I'm wearing digital.  Either my clothing will be sprayed on out of a can, or my clothing will be electric.  Like my toothbrush.  I've been wearing shoes that have lights in them since I was 18 so I don't know why it's taken this long for me to get shirts that have lights on them.

The first time I heard that there was an electronic smokeless cigarette I knew that I had to drop the fire hazard dangling out of my mouth and move on.  Move forward.  Move towards the future and never look back.  Of course the fact that I was smoking cigarettes while driving the bus for those little hellions some people call "kids" was drumming up a number of complaints.  No way an electronic cigarette is going to get complaints.  NO way.

Actually, I don't know if you've ever hung out with elementary kids, but they can complain about almost anything.  Even electronic cigarettes.  Yea.  Kids are wack.

You know what else I'm over?  These long term relationships that TV shows are always trying to rope me into.  Like, "Hey, want to hang out again on Monday night at 8?"  Heck no I do not!  I'm my own man.  I'll watch you when I want.  And I'm not just referring to my TV recorder thing that allows me to watch the show later.  I mean what am I going to do?  Get home when I want, and then watch a show that includes me fast forwarding through commercials?  I think not Gossip Girl!!  I'm going to watch you when I want and how I want.  I'm not at a point in my life where I'm ready for a relationship involving weekly interactions.  I'm at a point where I'm ready for a one-night stand.  Which is why I'm going to wait 10 months, let you hit DVD, and then watch you on Netflix on my phone while driving the 405 to work every day.  Deal with that Serena van der Woodsen.  Really.  Deal with it.  Like go to Europe or Australia or some other stupid expensive place where you can pick up on waiters and bus-boys with your top-only outfits which are ridiculous and fabulous at the same time.

Actually that brings up a good question; Are pants superfluous?  Are they not necessary in high society?  Or are they only not necessary for Serena?  Cause if they are universally unnecessary for high society then I think that they may not be necessary for any part of society and if that is the case, I think we should know.  Do you have any idea how much designer jeans cost?  Any idea at all?  Cause I promised this girl who calls me "her man" that I'd get her some jeans.  I just need to know what I'm in for.

PS - dating real girls is outdated too.  I'm working a smokeless cigarette which makes me think I should be working a bloodless girlfriend too.  Maybe something like an online girl would be good.  Keeping up with the times.

You are following this right?  The electronic smokeless cigarette is legit because it doesn't involve carbon monoxide, doesn't stain your teethe, it's odorless, makes no pollution, has no tar, it never starts house fires (only office building fires) won't burn you, and it makes no second hand smoke!  It's electric dude.  The electric cigarette.  It's electric.