Try this slide out

Playground equipment is stepping up it's game. Let me tell you some ideas I have for playground equipment to step it's game up even MORE than it already has.

1. Have a human that is like 5 times real life. Then have steps that go to his mouth. It'll be made out of his tongue. Then the kids hop in and slide through his entire digestive track and land in a pool of water. Only one way out though; we're keeping this G-rated.

Man. That's all the ideas I have. And it's kind of a more low-brow idea. I mean what are kids going to call this slide? The "Brown Note"? The... man. I guess that's what they're going to call it since it's the only thing I can come up with.

I think these playgrounds need to get more with the times. More extreme stuff. Like slides that launch you into the air onto a rope swing. Stuff like that. Instead we just have the same old same old. Slides that twist faster or steeper, or that are incorporated into different things like elephants or things like that. Of course if it's not broke, why fix it? Particularly when it comes to playground equipment. I mean, do you remember playing on the playground? I do a little bit. But I don't think the playground mattered as much as who I was there with. Swingsets and slides are still pretty fun most of the time. And if the slide isn't, you just get some Pam, spray it up, and viola! Someone will be in the ER room within 30 minutes. It's easy.

I went to the ER once from a playground. I was on a big swingset. I don't think they make them that tall anymore, that or I've gotten taller since this incident, but I was on the swingset and some kid was like,

I dare you to jump off of the swing at the top

This was a simple yet effective technique for ridding oneself of other swingers who could swing higher than themselves. So, needless to say, I took that dare and jumped as high as I could, never really considering how I would land. Turns out I didn't need to really, my arm was all ready to break my fall. Not literally break because at that point I think my muscles were still rubber, but it did hurt like the dickens. Purportedly. I never actually felt "the dickens" before but word on the street is it hurts just as much as landing on your arm after jumping off a really tall swing. I didn't sleep well for a number of days after that.

I'm starting to think that maybe awesome playground equipment isn't necessary. I mean sure, it's nice. But kids can hurt themselves pretty well without playground equipment. In fact, I think we sometimes underestimate kids ability to hurt themselves without any equipment at all, never mind the needing of playground equipment. I mean we already give them bikes and skateboards and roller skates. Is that not plenty? Have you stepped on a skateboard lately? Are you over the age of 22? If so you're probably reading this with a cast on. It's just a reality of getting older. Everything that used to be a good time is now torture. All of it. Let's climb a tree! Is that exciting? No. It's horrible. You get scratched. You possibly fall. You never feel good if you get up the tree at all cause you have the foresight to question how you are going to get down.

Being a kid is rough. No reason to give them more things to get hurt on. Stick with the old playgrounds.