Try this slide out

Playground equipment is stepping up it's game. Let me tell you some ideas I have for playground equipment to step it's game up even MORE than it already has.

1. Have a human that is like 5 times real life. Then have steps that go to his mouth. It'll be made out of his tongue. Then the kids hop in and slide through his entire digestive track and land in a pool of water. Only one way out though; we're keeping this G-rated.

Man. That's all the ideas I have. And it's kind of a more low-brow idea. I mean what are kids going to call this slide? The "Brown Note"? The... man. I guess that's what they're going to call it since it's the only thing I can come up with.

I think these playgrounds need to get more with the times. More extreme stuff. Like slides that launch you into the air onto a rope swing. Stuff like that. Instead we just have the same old same old. Slides that twist faster or steeper, or that are incorporated into different things like elephants or things like that. Of course if it's not broke, why fix it? Particularly when it comes to playground equipment. I mean, do you remember playing on the playground? I do a little bit. But I don't think the playground mattered as much as who I was there with. Swingsets and slides are still pretty fun most of the time. And if the slide isn't, you just get some Pam, spray it up, and viola! Someone will be in the ER room within 30 minutes. It's easy.

I went to the ER once from a playground. I was on a big swingset. I don't think they make them that tall anymore, that or I've gotten taller since this incident, but I was on the swingset and some kid was like,

I dare you to jump off of the swing at the top

This was a simple yet effective technique for ridding oneself of other swingers who could swing higher than themselves. So, needless to say, I took that dare and jumped as high as I could, never really considering how I would land. Turns out I didn't need to really, my arm was all ready to break my fall. Not literally break because at that point I think my muscles were still rubber, but it did hurt like the dickens. Purportedly. I never actually felt "the dickens" before but word on the street is it hurts just as much as landing on your arm after jumping off a really tall swing. I didn't sleep well for a number of days after that.

I'm starting to think that maybe awesome playground equipment isn't necessary. I mean sure, it's nice. But kids can hurt themselves pretty well without playground equipment. In fact, I think we sometimes underestimate kids ability to hurt themselves without any equipment at all, never mind the needing of playground equipment. I mean we already give them bikes and skateboards and roller skates. Is that not plenty? Have you stepped on a skateboard lately? Are you over the age of 22? If so you're probably reading this with a cast on. It's just a reality of getting older. Everything that used to be a good time is now torture. All of it. Let's climb a tree! Is that exciting? No. It's horrible. You get scratched. You possibly fall. You never feel good if you get up the tree at all cause you have the foresight to question how you are going to get down.

Being a kid is rough. No reason to give them more things to get hurt on. Stick with the old playgrounds.

Children love helicopters and Nerf guns.

In Chicago you can't just let time pass by. You can't just sit still and not consider that Chicago will pass you by if you don't step up your game. And with your game, you gotta step up your house's game. That's why you need remodeling. You need a tile contractor. You need a helicopter with a giant Nerf gun on the side of it so you can intimidate your peers and be looked up to by elementary school children. I know this because every school child I've ever met I've asked one question:

Do you think that a helicopter with a Nerf gun on the side of it would be cool?

You know what they say? Yea. They always say “yea”. They all say it. Because school children love shooting people without harming them. It's their favorite thing. Inconsequential violence. They love it.

If only they loved laying tile. I'd have a bunch of kids, move to Chicago, and become a Chicago tile contractor. I'd be rich.

Having a helicopter with a Nerf gun on the side of it would also be cool because you would have a helicopter. Did you think of that? Cause you should have.

Yes, I'd like to convert this XML document to a donut...

XML to PDF is something you need.  Why?  I don't know.  Frankly I don't really know XML.  So there's no reason for me to know exactly why you'd prefer it less than PDF.  And if you preferred it more than PDF, you wouln't want to do an XML to PDF conversion would you?  No.  I do know PDF is pretty much a common format.  Open Office lets you export to it.  That's significant.  Of course from all I can tell PDF is practically just a photo.  I mean, I know it isn't a jpeg but it feels a little like one. 

There's donuts in the break room right now and I totally want another one but I already ate two and there were only 12.  If that donut is there in 45 minutes though I'll probably devour it.  I love donuts.  It's like cocaine that you never get arrested for.  Are there health consequences to eating donuts incessantly?  Yes.  Happiness.  They say happiness is one of the number one health consequences of eating too many donuts. 

When I was a kid my dad would give me however many donuts I was willing to eat.  6?  A dozen?  It was marvelous.   

Whoa, how do you turn your shirt on? (the electric cigarette)

With the new era of the two-thousands, I knew I had to step things up.  No more of these out-of-date out-of-time things I'd been dragging with me from my past.  I was moving on up.

First thing to go?  Clothing that was just clothing.  I'm not wearing that caveman cuss.  I'm wearing digital.  Either my clothing will be sprayed on out of a can, or my clothing will be electric.  Like my toothbrush.  I've been wearing shoes that have lights in them since I was 18 so I don't know why it's taken this long for me to get shirts that have lights on them.

The first time I heard that there was an electronic smokeless cigarette I knew that I had to drop the fire hazard dangling out of my mouth and move on.  Move forward.  Move towards the future and never look back.  Of course the fact that I was smoking cigarettes while driving the bus for those little hellions some people call "kids" was drumming up a number of complaints.  No way an electronic cigarette is going to get complaints.  NO way.

Actually, I don't know if you've ever hung out with elementary kids, but they can complain about almost anything.  Even electronic cigarettes.  Yea.  Kids are wack.

You know what else I'm over?  These long term relationships that TV shows are always trying to rope me into.  Like, "Hey, want to hang out again on Monday night at 8?"  Heck no I do not!  I'm my own man.  I'll watch you when I want.  And I'm not just referring to my TV recorder thing that allows me to watch the show later.  I mean what am I going to do?  Get home when I want, and then watch a show that includes me fast forwarding through commercials?  I think not Gossip Girl!!  I'm going to watch you when I want and how I want.  I'm not at a point in my life where I'm ready for a relationship involving weekly interactions.  I'm at a point where I'm ready for a one-night stand.  Which is why I'm going to wait 10 months, let you hit DVD, and then watch you on Netflix on my phone while driving the 405 to work every day.  Deal with that Serena van der Woodsen.  Really.  Deal with it.  Like go to Europe or Australia or some other stupid expensive place where you can pick up on waiters and bus-boys with your top-only outfits which are ridiculous and fabulous at the same time.

Actually that brings up a good question; Are pants superfluous?  Are they not necessary in high society?  Or are they only not necessary for Serena?  Cause if they are universally unnecessary for high society then I think that they may not be necessary for any part of society and if that is the case, I think we should know.  Do you have any idea how much designer jeans cost?  Any idea at all?  Cause I promised this girl who calls me "her man" that I'd get her some jeans.  I just need to know what I'm in for.

PS - dating real girls is outdated too.  I'm working a smokeless cigarette which makes me think I should be working a bloodless girlfriend too.  Maybe something like an online girl would be good.  Keeping up with the times.

You are following this right?  The electronic smokeless cigarette is legit because it doesn't involve carbon monoxide, doesn't stain your teethe, it's odorless, makes no pollution, has no tar, it never starts house fires (only office building fires) won't burn you, and it makes no second hand smoke!  It's electric dude.  The electric cigarette.  It's electric.

Smoke this, it's a cell phone. Digital man. DIGITAL.

You know what I like to do when I get crazy?  Like when I've done everything else:

- kicked Chuck Norris
- did cocaine off the back off a sleeping triceratops
- gave a gorilla a noogie
- talked to a girl
- spraypaint "I'm too sexy for my pants" onto my neighbor's cat
- Watch "V for Vendetta" enough times that I actually start networking with people to overthrow the government
- prepare food for myself that doesn't just involve a toaster
- stab a knife
- ask my mom if I'm adopted again

AND

- tape bacon to my dog's backside


Once I'm done with all of that I usually am ready to take it to the next level.  I'm ready to get real.  Like real real.  The kind of real that takes brains and guts.  The kind you can't just make up, or have happen naturally.  The kind that's awesome.  That's when I break out the electronic cigarette.  That's right: I take it digital.  What?  You're smoking analog?  Like with fire?!!  Who are you? - Linkavitch Chomofsky the Caveman?  Your cigs have smoke coming out of the end of them?  That's ridiculous man.  Time to get with the time.  Smokeless cigarette or stupid cigarette.  Electric cigarette or record-player cigarette.

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?!! YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL MAN - JAIL!!!

Have you ever attacked a person?  Like emotionally?  So emotionally that you needed a criminal defense lawyer?  How about doing that in one shot.  Like drive to a random city, find someone you've never met before, and say something so emotionally striking that you actually get taken to court over it.  I'm not sure if that's possible.  Try it.  Drive to Pittsburgh, roll down your window and just let every repressed emotion out onto the first person you see.  If you end up at a Pittsburgh Criminal Defense Law Office, let me know.


That is the great thing about language, you can attack people with it all day and you'll never go to jail for it. (Well, at least if you're not married to the person, or if they're not your kid, or if they don't work for you, etc.)


Of course, while you may not get put in jail for trash talking people, and you may never need a criminal defense lawyer, you may still get the crud beat out of you.  In fact I'm pretty confident if you run your mouth long enough, in enough places you're going to pay for it.  Maybe not in jail, but somewhere nonetheless. 

Oily Skin - It's a problem...

When you have skin like mine, you may have a problem with oily skin.  You know, sometimes your face feels like you slept all night with a deep dish pizza as a pillow - you know that feeling?  Oil free skin care can be difficult for this kind of circumstance.  The instinct is to use whatever possible to dry out your face, like alcohol or napalm.  While this would might make sense on something like your driveway, it's different when you are working with skin.  It has a mind of it's own of sorts.  It's like someone who overeats; you empty their fridge at the end of the day and they just buy more groceries the next day.  Does that make sense?  Good chance it doesn't, but it could.  Basically it's like trying to change someone by reminding them about what's wrong with them and why they're not trust-able. (which in the case of all of my roommates is the most effective approach)

Oil free skin care is difficult.  Infact a lot of dermatologists don't have a single product that works as a solution.  More of a shotgun approach and when you find something that works stick to it, also, if you've been using aggressive cleansers, back down, and try something gentle for a bit. 

 To bathe a cat requires brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction – and a cat. The last ingredient is the hardest to come by.

— Stephen Baker