The NEW Diet

Are hCG diet injections safe?  Ummm.... I don't know.  Let me tell you what I do know.

1. To go on a diet that involves hCG shots means you will only eat 500 calories a day and inject yourself with a hormone that is prevalent withing pregnant women for about 30 days.
2. The FDA has not approved this hormone for diets but rather to help women get pregnant.
3. It is claimed that hCG shots will allow you to digest your fat deposits that your body doesn't normally access.

Is diet and exercise finally a thing of the past?  Do we not need to work out any more?  There are a couple questions you should ask when doing a diet: 1. Is it safe? 2. Is it sustainable? 3. Is there a better way? Many experts would answer 'no' to all but question 3 on the list there.  There is a quote that comes to mind when considering this diet:

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going. - Beverly Sills

Of course Beverly could be wrong and I'm willing to bet that she doesn't know what hCG diet injections are so she may not be a good reference on that. Anyways, don't rush into a diet without consulting a doctor.

The Politician Limo

In Washington DC, people need a limousine service to get around.  I mean, people in Washington DC aren't like you and me.  They are important.  They have places to get and they have things to do.  Maybe they need to run to the White House for tea with someone in the Oval Office - yea - the OVAL OFFICE.  Ever heard of it?  Or maybe they need to go to the gas station to buy some Purple Stuff to drink with their breakfast?  These kinds of things don't only happen to you and me, they also happen to rich and important people.

Because the limousine service in DC exists in such a different market than the rest of the country, aka it works with politicians, you need to have options that other places don't necessarily have, like a fax machine.  All Washington DC limos should have at least 3 - 5 fax machines.  Politics is all about right now, and fax machines are the most current and rapid means of communication.  With out a fax machine you might as well be cut off from the world when you're a politician. 

Another thing you're going to look for in a limousine service if you are a politician is a limo with your face on the side of it.  That's why the perfect DC limousine service would have a picture of every politician's face so when they want a limo, they can always find it again when they go into some place.  They just have to look for a limo with their face on it.  It really simplifies things.  If it was possible I'd say that every limo should have the face of whoever is renting it on the side all the time.

When you're a politician you always need to be letting people know you're out there.  That you're just like the common man with the only difference being that you get paid 5 -20 times their salary and get a summer vacation every year.  A good way a limousine service could help the politician to keep this on the top of the public's mind is to rent a limo with a flier distribution system.  You'd load a PDF file, and then the limo would have 6 high speed printers on the roof that would print out those fliers right while you drive.  Not only that the wind will carry those fliers to the American public and let them know that you are out there.  That you know who they are and what they need.

The other thing that a limousine service needs to keep in mind is that politicians are stressed individuals.  They have a lot to take care.  There are people counting on them.  That isn't an easy thing to handle.  That's why a good limousine service would install one of those airport chairs into the limo as well, you know, the massage chairs?  One minute of massage for a dollar?  Five minutes for two, or something like that.  You could put a massage table in there along with a masseuse  but we don't need any more rumors for the politician and what happens if the limo has to stop abruptly?  The politician would shoot off the table like a rocket and the only way to prevent that would be to strap him down and if you do that you will basically have constructed a lethal injection table for the guy.  Turns out no one wants that in a limo.

While there are other ideas on how to target the politician market I'm pretty sure that all the other ideas are bad.  Like terrible.  Keep it simple: a fax machine, six printers, and an airport/mall massage chair.

What is this we're riding in? Is it money?

In Mobile AL, skin care is important just like it is EVERYWHERE ELSE.  If you've ever had bad skin, you'll know what I'm talking about.  That's the thing about people who have good skin, they never think skin care is important, because you can't miss what you don't not have - make sense?

A person who with good skin who doesn't think skin care is important is like a rich person who says, "Money isn't everything" as if money isn't that big of a deal.  Of course it isn't that big of a deal - YOU'RE RICH. Being rich isn't just a condition.  It's a state of mind.  A state of mind that allows you to say things that amongst your friends sounds deep but amongst anyone else is clearly asinine.  Like "Money isn't everything".  Yea.  We know that.   I don't eat Mac and Cheese and think  that I'm eating money.  I don't ride the bus to work and think that I'm riding money.  Everyone knows money isn't everything, but at the same time everyone knows it's one of the big things. 

What was I talking about?  Skin care?  Yea, that is pretty important.  Take care of it or lose it.

Try not to sleep on the floor of the auto body shop anymore.

If you've had a bad night and it was consequent of sleeping on the floor at an auto body shop in Spring Hill FL, then I have some advice for you: stop sleeping on floors.

Sleeping on floors anywhere, including auto body shops, can be bad for your back.  You could need to go to a back doctor after doing that for very long.  Of course there always is context right?  I mean maybe you have a good reason for sleeping on that auto body shop's floor.  Like you own the shop and you were finishing things up that night and it was like 3 am and you had an hour drive home and then an hour drive back and you needed to be back by 8 so you'd have to drive for 2 hours and then the regular getting ready stuff at your house so you'd only get two and a half hours of sleep if you left.  If your situation was like that, then I'd understand.  I mean I slept on a kitchen floor once just because my house was 3 minutes away and I was really tired.  Not nearly as good of a reason.  Not nearly.

Hi - I'm a massage therapist. What to be my friend?!

In Miami massage therapists can be anyone.  They could be your neighbor.  They could be your landlord.  They could be your friend.  Lets aim for the latter option.  If they are your friend then you can get free massages.  Because that's what massage therapists do.  They give massages. 

I'm thinking I might start telling people I'm one of those massage therapists, and that's how I'll say it too, I'll be like;

 You know, I'm also one of those massage therapists.  You've heard of them right?...

Then they'd want to be my friend.  But when they realize that I give terrible massages they'll never ask for a massage from me again but by that time it'll be too late because we will already be friends!!  GENIUS!!!  MY PLAN IS UNSTOPPABLEEEEEE!!!!!

It might actually be stoppable.  But I think it will hold up for a while.  At least a little bit. 

If that doesn't work I might just tell people I'm rich.  That's an exchange of goods right?  They'll be like,

I have a great personality and attractive friends, I'll feed of you, sometimes quite literally, and you can socialize with me. 

I heard that worked for Tyson.  Though he was rich.  So a little different.

Invest in yourself. Invest in your face.

I bet if you did cosmetic dentistry in Washington DC that you'd get a lot of business.  Of course that's pretty well based on the thought that everyone in DC gets in a lot of fights.  And I figure whenever you get in a fight you end up getting punched in the mouth.  I don't know if that's right.  But if it is you basically creates the following cycle:

1. Fight
2. Get Cosmetic Dentistry Work Done.
3. Repeat

See how that works?  You basically would want a membership with a cosmetic dentist.  You'd have a gym membership, a Blockbuster membership, and a cosmetic dentist membership.  How  much that would cost on the other hand I have no clue.  But it won't be cheap.  My impression is that it will cost you upwards of five thousand dollars.  Is your face worth that much money to you?  It may not be.  But it could be.

Personally I've never had cosmetic dentistry work done.  But you know who has?  Celebrities.  I'm guessing but I'm probably right.  Rich people do everything.  And if my living depended on my looks (it doesn't but it totally could) then I'd probably do it too.  It would be an investment.  An investment into my face.

This band is so HOT - You think they're a risk to this building?

I'm going to move to Louisville.  Then I'm going to start a band and call it, "Heating and Cooling".  You know why?  Because when we show up to the club, they're going to want to turn up the cooling system because for the entire length of the show we're going to be heating that place up.  It'll start cool, and then it will end hot.  But starting out with "cooling" doesn't seem as cool.  Ironically.  That's why I'm sticking to Heating and Cooling for the band name.

The other thing is we're going to really be heating the whole time we're there.  We're going to be bringing the heat.  The venue is going to have to bring all of the cooling.  If they don't, we just might bring so much heat that the venue burns down.  We'd be known as the venue killers.  So hot, that we're too hot.  Not only too hot to handle, but too hot to invite over.  That's a different degree of hot.  That's a degree that needs a warning.  The Food and Drug Administration should issue a warning about us and make us wear it on clearly visible shirts at all times.  It would be like;

This band member along with this band,
"Heating and Cooling" may be hazardous
to both the viewers and the venue. 

Don't get in a crash with a boat while in your car.

In some places of the world they don't have auto glass - they have bikes.  If you think I'm talking about Baton Rouge, you're totally off base. Baton Rouge is full of auto glass. 

I'm talking about the ocean.  No one in the ocean has auto glass, they have boat glass.  Is there a difference?  It's hard to say honestly.  Mainly because I don't know, but I can assure they don't have the same legal requirements for boat glass as auto glass.  How can I be so sure?  Because they don't have to crash test boats.  Man, what a relief that has to be as a boat manufacturer.  Not having to drive your boat into a concrete wall at 45 mph just to see what happens when someone drunk does that.

Boat accidents certainly aren't as frequent as car accidents, but when they happen they can be just as ugly.  There is the good news that if you get thrown from the wreckage you land on water, but then there is the bad news that people who are unconscious on water have a tendency of drowning.  Can't win everything. 
One thing I don't think you need to worry about as a boat owner is hitting a car because boats are at least twice as strong as those and you'll be fine.

Don't punch normal windows.

If you live in Baton Rouge you probably have glass your automobile, and in the "industry" they call this "auto glass".  Auto glass is important.  You may have never thought about it before but this is what keeps those regular bugs, and those uncoordinated birds from hitting your face as you do 90 mph down the freeway.  So yea, it's important.

You may think auto glass is just like other glass, but it isn't.  Try this:

- Go to a car window and punch your arm through it.

You'll probably be ok.  Now do that with a house window.  You probably noticed that the house window kind of shattered and shards of glass then slashed you all up.  See how that hurts a lot more when the glass shatters?  That's why auto glass is designed to stay in it's place even when broken.  It has a coating or a film of sorts that keeps the glass from just shooting around and cutting people up. 

In my first car roll because of the age of the car the glass wasn't all auto glass safe, so it shattered and actually landed in this girl's back.  Very unfortunate for her.  Luckily in cars built today that isn't an issue.

The Awesome Retirement Home

When Pennsylvania was invented, everyone knew they'd make a town called Pittsburgh, but no one knew that they'd have retirement communities.  Do you want to know what I'd do if I had an assisted livinig community all to myself?  I'll tell you. 

1. I'd hire only really friendly and fun people.
2. I'd install fence that instead of being electrified bursts into flames whenever you touch it. 
3. I'd install a retirement home water park with a wave pool and waterfall.
4. I'd install trampolines in the hallways so you didn't have to walk. 
5. I'd hire koala bears to just hang around and be adorable and tattoo "Senior Living" on their arms.
6. Instead of stairs I'd have slides.
7. Around the retirement home I'd have a go-cart race track and all disputes would be settled there.
8. I'd put a taco stand every 50 feet so if you get hungry, only 50 more feet and you get a taco!
9. I'd have donut stands between the taco stands so if you get hungry for a donut, VIOLA!
10.  I'd have moving sidewalks for where the trampoline sidewalks aren't at and then I'd make them go like 30 mph.

I'll let you know when it's finished.  It will be awesome. 

I'm Going to Chiropractic School!!!

I'm going to tell a story about some people in Cleveland Heights Ohio who want to go to chiropractic school.

Hey Phil - I'm going to go to chiropractic school!!
- That's stupid John, don't you know chiropractic school isn't real?  It's just witchcraft!
Really?  My grandma was a witch!
- No, what I mean is that they don't teach real medicine at chiropractic school, they teach hogwash!

This isn't an entirely uncommon misconception.  I used to have a girlfriend who's mother believed that the chiropractic field wasn't to be trusted.  I disagreed with her but couldn't tell her that because my girlfriend was very attractive.  It completely negated my abilities to disagree with her effectively.  I basically just became an idiot any time I was around her so she basically could have made the argument that the President was an alien and that space was actually made out of soup and I would have been like, "Yea, I've always thought that.  I just didn't know anyone would agree with me before now..."  Needless to say she never changed her mind about the chiropractic field.  She just stuck with Advil long periods of back discomfort.  You know, everyone has to go with what works.

Oh, are you a chiropractor? - No, but I went to one once.

If you've ever been to Cleveland Heights Ohio you'll know that it is chuck-full of people and almost all of those people it's full of have one thing in common: backs.  Yep, Ohio is almost all people with backs which brings me to a subject I've been meaning to discuss with you: the chiropractic industry.

Just to be clear for everyone reading who has been in to see a chiropractic professional; going to one once, or even several times doesn't certify you as a chiropractic professional.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that chiropractic professionals have to go to school, it might even be a medical school of sorts.  I'm not positive but I think there is a fair chance.

Why is it that with the chiropractic industry everyone thinks that a visit constitutes training?  No one is ever like,

"What?  You got a headache?  Probably a tumor.  I had to get brain surgery for that once - here, sit down, I'll take care of it for you."

The chiropractic industry is the only industry this happens in.  It doesn't even happen with oil changes.  Some people won't even try changing a tire after seeing it done, but for some reason, in the chiropractic industry, once anyone sees it, they all think they've learned it.  It's ridiculous.

Window House

I'd like to live in Orlando with an all windows house.  You know, just tons of windows.  There's a house that some guy built, it is in Suffolk England and the majority of the house is windows.  He's the guy they're talking about when they talk about people who live in glass houses.

They commissioned the house to be built for retirement and he apparently wanted a lot of light.  Saying it has a lot of "windows" may not be entirely correct because it is really windows, it's more just glass.  Windows implies that the glass is creating a break in something that is opaque, but these aren't.  The only opaque things surrounding them is the frame of the house.

The way the design was done, as you will see in the photo, is they actually made it so the roof could slide over the glass portion of the house so you could have a cover when you wanted it - like in the summer when you don't want to retain the heat, and you can leave it open when you want like during the winter days. 
Truth is I love windows and I love this house.  I'd like to live in it.  And own it.  Forever.

Pest Control Could Have Saved Stone Cold Austin.

What happens in Mobile AL almost always involves pests which is why in the south, you need pest control.
One summer my cousin who I will call Stone Cold Austin, stepped in a fire ant hill.  Those fire ants hated Stone Cold Austin so much that they bit him all over the place.  It was like Stone Cold had insulted their Queen or something. I remember in that moment, while standing there, watching what I could only assume were the last moment's of Stone Cold's short unnotable life, all I could think was:

"Why didn't I become a pest control man and stage a preemptive attack on these life sucking vermin?!"

Stone Cold did survive, but it was a close call.  When the paramedics showed up all that they yelled was:

"WHY DIDN'T ANYONE HIRE PEST CONTROL!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!"

When Stone Cold came out of it we had to explain to him what happened.  He couldn't understand it.  He couldn't comprehend why such angry little insects existed on earth.  Why didn't those ants realize he stepped on their home and killed dozens and dozens of their compatriots simply by accident.  He was just a kid.

HE WAS JUST A KID.

He didn't know better.  He couldn't...

Lessons on Retirement Homes from the hit film, Happy Gilmore

If you live in Pennsylvania or any other state for that matter and have seen Happy Gilmore, the zero Oscar-nominated hit film of the 1990s, you'll know that a few concerns could come into play when moving into a retirement community.  Take for example when Ben Stiller makes the inmates residents sew clothes for their keep.  Or garden.  You may recall that driving to visit his grandma at one point a resident inmate throws herself on the hood of Happy's car and yells:

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

To which Happy dumps fast food on the window of his car in hopes of appeasing her.  If you are looking at an assisted living environment and it is set up in such a way that someone could get hit by a car, you might want to look somewhere else. 

Later in the show we see that an air conditioning unit Happy tries to fix actually falls on the woman who jumped on his car.  This kind of shoddy upkeep is what can end up starting fires and a host of other health risks at retirement homes. 

You'll also notice that in addition to these lessons, there were not nearly enough personnel to attend to all the retirement home residents.  Happy Gilmore: an example of what to avoid in retirement homes.  Keep it in mind.

Baby steps toward weight loss

If you live in Scottsdale AZ, you probably have noticed you need to lose weight.  Yea.  I know.  Sometimes you think about weight loss when you're alone and realize your pants can stay up without suspenders.  HOW FAT ARE YOU?

I think most people would say that if your pants can stay suspended without suspenders then something is wrong.  Like a belt.

Being skinny is only in because it's so hard to do lately.  How am I supposed to stay skinny when I consume 1000 calories a day in Starbucks, and then another 2000 calories in hamburgers and then another 3000 calories in energy drinks?  Do you think I'm going to sweat that off!!!  Cause if so you're WRONG!!  SO WRONG!!  I need a pill to burn those kind of numbers.

While I agree that weight loss is certainly important, the important thing is to hit that point that where you are healthy, even if healthy for you doesn't mean you look like Twiggy.  Sometimes just removing the junk we eat out of our diet can significantly induce weight loss without any additional exercise, and while that's not the ideal (lack of exercise) it certainly is a step in the right direction.

Law Firm Jargon-Schmargon

The first time I went to Baton Rouge, I - like most people - ended up in a law firm, but not before ending up in a jail cell.  The thing about Baton Rouge is if it's technically illegal, they will arrest you for it.  It's just a fact and that for me is just a bit over the line if you know what I'm saying.

The law firm I ended up at sure didn't understand what I was saying and the fact of the matter was I didn't understand what they were saying either.  My mom was from Georgia so I figured that I'd be able to understand people from this part of the country but then the more and more I thought of it I realized I had never, even once understood something my mother had said to me.  Not anything.

Of course understanding anything said in a law firm is a tall order in the first place.  Especially if it's any sort of technical law firm, then it's entirely incomprehensible.  It's like talking to a child.  Even if you can grasp a semblance of a word here or there when you put them together it's still just hogwash.

Don't get me wrong, the law firm had great treats and I loved the place.  I just have no idea what was said or what I was paying for that's all.

6 Reasons the Dentist ISN'T the Devil

There has been a lot of speculation going around Hartford, CT that the dentist may actually be the devil.  Let me clear that up for you: He's not. Would you like some more proof?  How about a list?  I'll give you a list:
6 Reasons the Dentist isn't the Devil:

1. The devil never went to dental school.  Getting in is too hard.
2. The devil hates anesthetic, if it was up to him he'd skip straight to the drilling.
3. Your dentist doesn't have horns, which the film Legend has firmly established that the devil does have.
4. Your dentist doesn't have an evil laugh when you squirm.  (He doesn't does he??)
5. Your dentist accepts dental insurance and it is a wide known fact that the devil never accepts insurance.
6. The devil would rather you keep that cavity

See?  Are you convinced now?  Your dentist clearly isn't the devil, I can understand if you hate him, but that isn't the same thing.  I hate the police and the only crime I've ever committed was driving an unregistered car.  That was it.  And I got pulled over on my birthday.  But I still don't think that that policeman was the devil.  That would be ridiculous.

GPA: The dangerous reality of Golf Practice Aids.

You may not know this, but you can get a disease from practicing golf.  It's just recently been discovered and is a consequent of two elements combining into one:

1. Too much time.
2. Too much golf. 

That's right.  It's Golf Practice Aids.  Aids used to be just thought to be a purely sexual disease.  It isn't.  In the last few years we have learned more about this modern black plague than we ever could have guessed or made up. (with the exception of this post of course.  Of course.)

Tthe way it happens is tragically complex.  When a man loves a sport, and that sport involves a small car, metal sticks, large quantities of open time, and a bar that is driven right to you that man can have a million things can go wrong.  Not the least of which is Golf Practice Aids.  See, the coating that is used on many of the modern golf clubs of today isn't arsenic - that would be a relief compared to what it is.  It's Aids.  It will break down your auto-immune system.  The little golf club like cells start forming - a mutation if you will - and then start swinging violently at red cells. 

It's dangerous.  It's fatal.  It's GPA.

You better check yourself.

Hey Los Angeles - I heard you're HIP!

Hey there Orange County just south of Los Angeles - I heard you're HIP too!!

Hey-Hey, what's up Long Beach.  I heard you're so hip that when your grandma fell down and broke hers you just happened to have an extra to give her and she just jumped right back up.

Whoa-Whoa Glendale e e e! ! ! !  I heard you just kind of want to be hip but aren't.  Kind of like Sherman Oaks and West Covina but not even as hip as them.

WHAT?!

Being hip isn't just about location.  It's also about your character.  What you're MADE OF.  Sometimes things don't go well and you need to REASSESS.  Dig it?  Take an earthquake.  Sometimes something like an earthquake can shake you.  Shake you to your very CORE.  Do you know what you need to do then?  DO you?  You need foundation repair.  I'm not talking about make-up.  I'm not talking about that kind of foundation repair.  I'm talking about your soul brother.  I'm talking about reassessing your heart.  THAT kind of foundation repair.  You need to CHANGE.  Change your mind.  CH-CH-CH-CHANGE!! 
You know what I say?  I say change or die.  Do you think that's a THREAT?!  If you said "yes", you're correct.

JWH-018. It's not a robot.

Do you want to get high?  Not like real drugs high, but like a cool type of high.  Like chemical based?  Ok, ok.  Do you have 5 bucks?  Do you have no self-respect?  Good...good...  Ok.  Go to your bulk grocery store, find the Hostess aisle, now buy 5 dollars of whatever the cheapest Hostess product is, go home, and eat all of it.  Time how long it takes you to throw up and then report back in the comments on here. 

If you don't want to support some big corporate monster like Hostess to get high legally, then maybe you'd like to try JWH-018.  Yea, you heard me.  JWH-018.  Does that sound like a new age religious break off of some older religious break off?  Cause it isn't.  It's lots cooler than that.  It's like pot but more expensive, not illegal, and can be bought with a credit card. 

Do I want you to switch to JWH-018 from pot?  No.  I've never even done JWH-018.  At least not that I know of.  Maybe I wake up in the middle of the night and buy it and then eat it with pizza.  I've never even done pot.  So you're barking up the wrong tree. 

Divorce isn't the answer - an affair on the other hand....

 Do you live in a crappy state?  Do you need a divorce?  Getting a divorce in NJ may not be as great as you think it is.  What?  You want reasons?  Ok.  I'll give you some but first I'd like to give you some good reasons NOT TO get a divorce:

1. They cause you more trouble than they solve
2. Uhh.... I think number 1 covers it actually...

Here's the thing about getting a divorce - you will be happy for a while, because you totally hate how that guy/girl does that one/multiple thing(s).  But then give it a few minutes.  Give it a couple of months.  You're going to get lonely.  Sure you'll have a fling once or twice with someone(s) that seem exciting for a bit before you realize that they are completely stupid, but you could have done that while staying married; did you realize that?  I mean divorce is pretty much an infidelity to your vows at marriage anyways, so what's the difference between getting divorced and just having an affair besides extra costs and extra hassle?  Anything?  Nope.  Nothing.

Whoa!  Are you crazy?  Don't cheat on your spouse, just go visit a friend for a week, get some space, slow crap down and be rational for two minutes of your adult life.  An affair isn't the answer.

The Lemonade Saga: Part 1

Selling lemonade is predictable as a kid.  Any run of the mill I am devoid of bowel control while unconscious for 8 hours every day type kid can do it.  Steal some lemons.  Steal a table.  Steal a market.  Steal some cups.  Steal some paper.  Steal a marker.  And *VIOLA*, you've made tons of money!!!!

Corporate theft isn't knew, but just because every other kid on the street does it doesn't make it ok.  I wasn't into that.  All the shadiness.  All the hiding.  Cooking the books.  So I took a different route to get my ice cream truck money: brokering.  Yea.  I became a business broker.  I'd approach these kids and be like, "Hey.  Susie.  You ready to sell or do you want to keep slaving away at these ridiculous business during these ridiculous hours with that ridiculous look on your face?"  Then they'd say that they didn't want to sell and then they'd be like, "Well...what is my business worth?" and I'd be like, "It's worth a dollar fifty what do you think it's worth!?!  You are the owner/operator of the most successful lemonade stand in this elementary school district and you want me to believe you don't know what it's worth?????  Like Cocoa Puffs!!!"

That's when they'd bite, and we'd be in business...

Buying a Business: Get to know the Seller first.

To get a sale done, the business broker needs to almost be invisible.  The relationship between the seller and the buyer needs to become a relationship of trust.  They say that for a sale to go through there has to be 6 contacts/discussions/meetings that occur between these two individuals.  Without that, something just isn't there.

So if you are buying, and you want to buy a specific business, you need to make those contacts.  They may be a call, or a lunch.  There is a degree of courting that needs to be here.  A good business broker will realize this and if you don't know better, you may feel like the business broker is trying to get you two to go on a date. 

Selling a company is personal.  Particularly if it's something that the seller built themselves.  It is a part of the seller.  And even though circumstances have in one way or another pushed them to this step of selling they still will likely have an emotional attachment to the company and consequently will have to trust you one way or another. 

Rushing through a purchase is never a good idea from almost any point of view, let the seller know your intentions, talk open and frankly with them, then once that is established, you can start negotiating like your life depends on it.  But if the seller doesn't have some degree of interest in you specifically at the point of negotiation (ask any business broker or business brokers) ; you'll have a hard time. 

Buying a Business: Trust No One.

The problem with business brokers, along with every other person, is that they're looking out for themselves.  They want to sell businesses as fast as possible and for as much money as possible.  That is great if you're a seller.  They are made for you.  They exist to make your pockets bigger - not to mention their own.  But when you are buying, you need to watch them.

Finding companies to buy can be harder than you'd think.  Owners often are hesitant to advertise.  They don't want customers to question the companies stability, they don't want employees to jump ship, they don't want to lose what they've been working years for.  Consequently when you find a company for sale, you most likely are going to find it listed through a business broker. 

The business broker is going to help you, but he is also going to help the seller.  You paying more means the broker makes more, so when you see the information sheet try to get to some sort of valid type of document as fast as possible.  Anyone can write gross and net on a piece of paper and tell you that's what it makes so this is what it costs.  Be weary of that.  Get taxes.  And do your homework.  And get an accountant.  If you evaluate wrong, you'll suffer for a long time. 

Unicorns ARE cool

I think they should modify some stories.  Change them up.  We always have the same background elements.  Like a dude with a cowboy hat.  Why not put him with an oversized cowboy hat?  Or instead of a leather jacket have him have a diamond plate leather jacket.  Or even better - a buffalo leather jacket.  How about that?!  I think that would be twice as awesome.

Like in Back to the Future instead of having an awesome car that travels, they should have it be a Unicorn.  Keep all other elements of the film the same.  Just swap the car with a unicorn.  You feed the unicorn garbage and then it has a flux capacitor that turns it into unicorn fuel and it takes off at 88 mph.  It will be awesome.  So much more creative than a Delorean.  Everyone's first thought when they saw the Deloreans was that they'd make awesome time machines.  I was at the New York City International Car show the year it came out and the first thing the guy next to me and I did was look at each other and say, "Time Machine?"  And then we did that whole jinx thing that everyone thought was cool.  Turns out it wasn't. 

Anyways, unicorns are cool.

Storage Units - Your New Home!

Do you live in Atlanta?  Do you live in a house?  Do you pay for things like rent and air conditioning and heating?  Forget that man - it's time to move on up.  Moving on up!  Not to the west side, into some storage units.  If you can do it right you could have two neighboring units.  Use one for a bedroom and one for an office.  Sure you won't have electricity, but you can always run things off of batteries.  That's the great thing about storage units, they are square - that's cool.  They have a solid, resilient floor - also cool.  Their walls are often corrugated steel -super cool.  And they have an awesome neighborhood feel.  This is why people love storage units.  They are the best of all worlds.

Number one complaint about living in apartments - Go.  Do you know it?  Can you think of it off the top of your head?  Anything?  Something?  That's right.  It's the neighbors.  Well, because no one actually lives in storage units these days, no one ever complains about their neighbors.  The only neighbors there are to speak of most of the time are rats, and lets be serious; rats are everywhere. 

So move on it.  The first 30 days are free.

Brakes? I don't know what those are, why? Are they important?

Garage doors can be an investment.  The kind of investment you'd like to stay where it is, in the condition you put it there in.  The first time I visited my friend Kyle's house after school in Orient OH, his dad had just put in a couple garage doors.  Not the normal short ones, these were on this separate garage thing and had to be 12 feet or so.  Prior to purchasing the garage doors he had made the mistake of buying his daughter - Kyle's little sister - a motorcycle.  Not a bullet bike, but a dirtbike type motorcycle.  She could ride it, she just wasn't so good at stopping it.  You know, that's something only more advanced riders ever get to learning how to do.  She was still intermediate.  She had chosen to use the garage to stop her.  While the doors were down.

Unfortunately for me, I showed up right around the time that Kyle's father figured this out.  The problem with the dissemination of information in this circumstance was pretty simple; you see he didn't find out she hit the garage until he already knew that she wasn't hurt.  So there was no parental instinct protecting her.  It was just the instinct to protect your garage doors that was present when this happened and that didn't bode well for her.  Kind of was.

Moral of the story?  Don't buy your kids things.

An auto repair for an auto body

Last year I was in a full pursuit.  I was looking for a company to buy and all I cared about was that the financials were strong.  It could have been in Springville OH, or Sioux Falls SD, or Los Angeles CA.  I had ended up on a auto body shop.  Honestly I didn't know exactly what an auto body shop was entirely when I started looking at it.  I knew it wasn't an auto repair shop, at least I thought I knew that.  But turned out it did do some auto repair work when it could, and of course an auto body shop's main business is - you guessed it - fixing the bodies of autos that get in accidents.  Still, in any business there are nuances.  There are places money may be coming from, or going to that you might not guess if you don't understand the business specifically.  So I called my friend who owned an auto repair shop.  I knew he worked with auto body shops in the area, and had done so for decades, so regardless of just how versed he was on auto body, it was going to be more than I was.

It turned out I didn't buy the business.  It was good but it was going for a million and I came across something more in my field and a bit more in my price range.  It looked perfect.  But within 6 months, I would have lost both...

Fargo

Most things get bad when they get personal.  Like injury.  Like personal injury.  Before that injuries aren't that bad.  Like an impersonal injury.  Say, for example, my neighbor who I don't know well gets hurt, I think that falls under an impersonal injury.  Many times less inconvenient than a personal injury.  Like in Fargo, when Carl gets put into the wood chipper?  That's a very personal injury for Carl.  It's about as bad as it can get for him.  Now for Gaear it's not as personal.  In terms of an injury, Gaear is doing pretty good.

Of course there are different types of injuries, not all physical.  And Gaear may be experiencing a great trauma in an emotional type way.  Could be very emotionally damaging.  After all he is going to jail it would appear, and that has been known to traumatize a person.  There is isolation, and new people, and violent people potentially, and of course non-violent people can quickly become violent people in extreme enough circumstances.  It's just a matter of needs.  I mean generally speaking violence for most people isn't a rational solution.  They see a myriad of other solutions that are more tempting and rational than violence.  But for most if not all, at some point violence may become very rational.  Protection of family, or protection of self.

Let's contract some electricity.

There are a bunch of different types of contractors.  Take electric contractors.  They are normally the best kind.  I mean they deal with electricity.  Electricity is almost an other-worldly phenomenon.  You can't just contract that stuff and not be good.  Is that what electric contractors do?  Contract electricity?  I'm not even sure what that means.  I know what to contract means:

an agreement between two or more parties for the doing or not doing of something specified.

And we all know what electricity is.  Either way, electricity is cool, so electric contractors must be as well.  I think the best form of electricity is lightning.  I used to live in Syracuse New York, and that was my first time really seeing lightning.  We didn't get it like we got it in Ohio, but it still was something.   


Did you know that lightning regularly is 6 to 8 miles long?  Like it travels that far from earth to cloud?  And you can hear it sometimes from 12 miles away?  And check this out, a lot of people get struck by lightning while the skies above them are still clear, lightning can break the cloud perimeter and just reach out and punch you in the face. (figuratively of course)  


Anyways, try not to get struck by lightning.  It could hurt. 

Arnold: the electrican

One of my better friends, Arnold, is a guy who thinks right after he should.  When he was a kid I watched him stick a fork into an electrical socket, because as he said, "I wanted to turn it 'on'"  I think it's fair to say that he turned the fork 'on' but he did have his hand attached to it at the time and that turned almost everything 'off' for Arnold.

As we got older, Arnold became an electrician.  How this happened with his mind and his history I don't know.  But he likes it.  He thinks electricity is fascinating.  I think that helps when you're an electrician.  Seeing a mystery or a beauty in something helps to keep you focused.  Helps to keep things interesting as well.  Being an electrician requires a lot of troubleshooting.  Codes that exist in one place don't exist in another, and codes that exist now probably didn't exist 20 years ago.  As well, homes and buildings can be done differently by a different electrician and still be in code.  So what in one design might be the issue, in another could another.  The other thing an electrician has to deal with is customers.  Customers are important, but some of them just cause an electrician more of a headache.  They try to fix things, or fiddle with things and then complain about the bill.

Arnold still likes it though, and every year or so still electrocutes himself like when he was a kid.  Brings back memories.

The diamond: Part 1

It was summer, in Phoenix, AZ.  One of the worst types of summer.  200 degrees outside, and gasoline evaporated before you could get the cap back on your gasoline tank.

Where is Theo?  
- Haven't seen him, why?
Oh.  No reason.  What are you up to?
- Just drain cleaning the shower and then going to Sarah's.  
Ok, well, if you see Theo, let me know, ok?
- Sure. 

Theo didn't realize it but things had gone sour between us.  Not in the way things go between friends who are no longer friends, but the way things go between friends who become enemies.  When we first went into business together he told me that there were only two things that were important to him:

1. Work hard
2. Be honest

Well, I suppose that's what was important to him in a cohort, not himself. 

Fred called me later after drain cleaning the shower.  He had found something.  That and he said he saw Theo and that he was acting "weird".  What could that mean?  Actually, what could either of those things mean?  Finding something while drain cleaning the shower?  That's really strange.  Theo acting "weird" didn't seem nearly as unexpected. Little did I know then, but both would be related on a level I'd never have imagined...

Pizza delivery? - Boring. Try flower delivery!

When I first bought my snowboard rack I thought it was good just for holding snowboards and boosting awareness of the city of Yakima of Washington state.  I don't know if that brand has any association with that town, but it should.

When summer came around I needed a job just on the side.  You know the type of think you could do without your brain actually working.  So I got a job doing delivery.  Flower delivery - it's the best kind.  Pizza delivery isn't that good, sure you get tipped, (or you don't) but with flower delivery you don't have to worry about having the right order (trust me, they usually take whatever you show them) and it's fascinating to watch people's reactions when they realize someone sent them flowers.  It's a really interesting occurrence.  It would be twice as interesting if I knew the situation these flowers were arriving in the middle of, but then again maybe it would demean the significance of it in my mind.

Nine times out of ten I did flower delivery to women, but every once in a while it was to a man, and nine out of ten times those were more interesting.  If you ask me I think someone should deliver flowers to people and video tape it.  Like a compilation of 1000 deliveries in 30 minutes.  Let me know when you finish it.

Hey - we need a new faucet!! There's no water in this one...

If you ever go to Fresno, watch out for the undercooked chicken.  It can take you for a loop.

I had some undercooked chicken in a Chili's once.  It tasted delicious.  At least to my mouth.  My stomach on the other hand hated it.  It was like an attack on my internal plumbing, which brings me to today's topic:

Plumbing.

If you have it, you probably take it for granted, but when you lose it, you quickly realize what you're missing.  Plumbing has been a pretty common thing in the US for decades if not centuries.  Wasn't for my mother though, she grew up with an outhouse and a well.  If you ask her how she feels about plumbing you might think she's misunderstood your question and is now talking about a close friend or family member. 

The motive for plumbing has been around for years.  It's simple.  Walking to get water is inconvenient.  Let's make it easier.  And that is what life is about right?  Making it easier?  Soon it will be so easy that there will be no point to living.  None.  Infact many scientists and philosophers, and scientist-philosophers are very worried about that possibility occurring in the near-near future. So, break a pipe now and again.  Flush a bucket full of peanut butter and hair now and again.  Suffer some.  And remember, that water doesn't come out when you turn the faucet cause nature made it that way, plumbing is a modern miracle.  Just ask my mom.

Are you missing a roof? - No, I got mine made invisible.

Roofing isn't where I think it should be.  You ever seen a roof?  Me too. That's the problem.  Roofing should be felt not seen.  Which is why they should be invisible.  I'd like to look up and see the sky right?  I'd like to know when a bird defecates on my roof.  I'd like to know when an escaped inmate is hiding on my roof.

This shouldn't be that hard right?  I mean get plexiglass or something resilient like that, and then make my roofing out of it.  I guess the only potential issue with invisible roofing would the be whole buying shades for your roofing type thing.  Sun comes up a 6 am it won't matter what way your window is facing.  You're in trouble.  Of course this would help with electricity, you wouldn't have to turn on lights during the day, and heating in the winter would less expensive I'd expect.  They do suggest keeping your windows open during the winter during the day right?  Now they could recommend that with your roofing.  Of course this could be compromising potentially.  What if you lived in a densely populated part of Oakland and your roof was transparent?  People could just look out their roof into your house.

Scratch it, let's keep them opaque.  I changed my mind.

Lawn Security, just like roof security but different.

You know why I'd like to have a roofing company in Milwaukee?  Because there is a tool company called Milwaukee and then I could do the roofing in Milwaukee with tools that say Milwaukee on them.  Is there a better ambition than this?  If so I don't know what it is.  Tell me.  Let me know.  I'd like to know if you'd tell me.  But it seems like you don't want to say anything, so maybe I should just drop the subject?  Move on to something else?  Maybe discuss something more mutually amiable?  Like a drywall company?  Is it the roofing aspect that you don't like?  Because I could start a company that uses tools in a different construction segment, I'm not attached to roofing like a house might be.  I'm perfectly comfortable being attached to say....  ....  ......   .....  lawns.  I could build lawns.  I'll drill them in.  It will be like storm proof and theft proof lawns.  Just like the roofs my roofing company used to do.  Industry leading.  Cutting edge if you will.  That could be the name: Cutting Edge Lawns.  I'd like it to imply lawn security too though, you know a lot of people have been in some bad relationships and the last thing they need is to be abandoned by a lawn, that could ruin a person.  Forever.  Like forever-forever.  Like cry every time you see grass forever. 

Think about it.  Also think about coming to terms with your roofing issues.  If you want.

The devil started buying RE. Watch out...

If you get addicted to vacation rentals, you could end up almost anywhere on the planet, and if you're luck enough, you might end up in a place called; Kill Devil Hills.  Many don't know that the Devil has hills, but then again some of you don't even believe in a devil, but if he didn't exist, he obviously wouldn't be able to own hills now would he?  The government would never allow that now would they?  It would be like the Easter Bunny owning hills - which he doesn't.

I know what you're thinking, vacation rentals in a town called Kill Devil Hills has to be like getting vacation rentals in the movie The Ring.  But you'd be wrong, because it is nothing like that.  It is much different.  TVs work all the time.  There's no creepy little girl.  No one cries if the TV loses reception for a second.  In fact it is so much unlike The Ring that I'm not even sure why we're making that comparison, it seems unnecessary if you ask me.  Almost like a waste of time.  So I'm going to move on.  Maybe do something else.  Like drink some chocolate milk.  Because chocolate milk is delicious!

Lazy About Crazy - and - We need a bigger dentist...

You know what I love about Philadelphia?  That giant bell that broke and now we keep it.  It's like a giant broken tooth that needs a giant dentist but we don't care; we love him the way he is.

This is somewhat akin to me crashing a car and then keeping it in my driveway and when people are like;

Uh...hey, did you know you have a wrecked car in your driveway?  

I'll be like;

Yea, pretty cool huh?  Got it driving to the dentist.  I thought the crash was bad, but turned out the dentist was worse.  

Then I'd start charging people to see it.  The car that I crashed on the way to the dentist.  Put it in the back yard, maybe put Plexiglas around it.  With a sign: "Dentist Crash."  Start making up stories about historical figures and it.  Answer questions like;

Oh, well sure, there's non-trip-to-the-dentist-non-crashed cars everywhere.  You can find them just driving around the street.  And we could have repaired this too, but it's a part of history man.  It's HISTORY. 

I think a lot of history is just being lazy about crazy.  That's what I call it:  Lazy about Crazy.  What?  The bell broke and we aren't fixing it?  That's crazy.  It's also lazy.  Making it: Lazy about Crazy.  It's way of living.  Feel free to try it. 

Pest control is the best control

Wait - you do "pest control"?  You can control "pests"?  I can't even control my children.

If you went to college where I went to college, you'll know that during the summer you got a few options:

1. Sell pest control and get rich.
2. Sell home security systems and get rich.
or
3. Get a normal job and be a loser. 

Your choice.  See the thing is that if you sell home security systems, or pest control you'll make more money than your dad does all year in 3 months?  Are you afraid of making more money than your dad in 3 months?  Does that scare you?  Does it? 

Yea, I'm totally scared of that.  That's my big fear in life.  Making TOO much money.  How could they guess that so easily?  It's weird. 

While no one will contest that you can become a billionaire in three months doing summer sales, there is something that I find unappealing about it, namely the guys who run the companies.  If you ask me if I'm scared to make money, I'm going to have to ask you if you think I'm an idiot.  Which is an honest question.  If you don't think I'm an idiot, and don't ask me questions that imply that you think I'm an idiot, then I'd be more than happy to go to St Louis to work for three months.  Thanks for the offer. 

locksmith locksmith whatch gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

When I was 14 this teacher of mine was teaching me how to pick a lock behind my back.  He was like a rogue locksmith, it was awesome.  Right up until his wife found out, and then it got shut down.

I know.  It's offensive.  What happens now with my life?  What happens when I am immorally detained in a prison in Minneapolis, have my back against a door with a bobby pin in my hands but can't escape because this woman, this short sighted woman shut down what was perhaps, with a potentially real possibility the most important training of my life?  What happens to ME?!

I suppose I could just go to a locksmith type school or something.  You know, the more upstanding way.  But somehow I don't think locksmith school teaches me to pick a lock behind my back.  I think it's probably more of a learn to pick locks in front of you type thing.  Which I think personifies what's wrong with our country.  we don't train up our children to their utmost capacities.  Could I be doing the same thing I'm doing right now and still be able to pick locks behind my back?  yes.  Of course.  But not now, that opportunity and gift was stolen, by a woman some years ago.

Fix it or sell it? - Crash it!

When you've been in as many accidents as I have you start to know a thing or two about auto repair.  How many accidents have I been in?  The correct answer is probably; more than you.  I think it's 18.  I've been a passenger to 18 car accidents.  Two of which rolled.  One of which rolled in the air.  It was awesome.  The guy driving was doing about 100 while I was sleeping.  It was cool...

The thing about most auto repair shops is people are always worried that they're being scammed.  Probably because of one 20/20 episode in the 80s about a Meineke shop in Minneapolis or something.  The other thing about auto repair is that cars to most people are like a black box.  We don't know how they work.  We think the wheels spin because we put the gasoline inside that hole on the side of the car, but that isn't really the whole picture, but as long as we don't know anything about cars, how are we going to know if what we needed to get done got done?  I don't know.  Auto repair is tricky.  It's just the reality of it.  Find someone you trust and stick with them forever, or, like I always say; Just buy a new car. 

Plastic Surgery isn't superficial - You're superficial.

Some people have stigmas surrounding plastic surgery.  I don't.  I'm stigma free.  Well, I am now at least...I used to have some on my hands but then this surgeon in New York City fixed it...

I'd apologize for that joke, but I'm not sure it even constitutes a joke. 

Plastic surgery does still have a social stigma associated with it.  I'd guess the root of this is probably religious.  Something to do with not being grateful for what God gave us, or in the same vein modifying what was given.

There is a real god-like element to this.  Creating the aesthetics of an individual.  Of course if the issue is simply usurping God then I think we as a society passed that point a long time ago.  Medical doctors have been pulling people from the edge of life for centuries.

The argument could be made that the difference is that plastic surgery is superficial while traditional medical practice is not, but I'm not so sure that's right.  Could many of the medicines we use be considered as trite and self-serving as many of these surgeries?  Taking Advil to avoid momentary pain?  Medicine to alleviate the symptoms of the common cold?  Is this not in some way superficial?

Looking good in many ways is about comfort, same with the majority of our medicines and I think it can be argued that there is some real superficiality to that.

Hey Barbie lets go party!

Plastic surgery has changed the way we  interact in America.  Now instead of me thinking when I meet a girl,


"Oh, she is cute but she'd be super cute if...that's too bad."

I now can think,

"This girl plus $10,000 dollars will be out of my league, but for the moment..."

That's right.  American's officially have PhotoShop for real.  You want it, you can get it.  You like her except for her face?  Get a face transplant.  You like her except for her legs?  Get a leg transplant.  You don't like her hands?  Get a hand transplant.  You want, plastic surgery can do it.  In fact, there is nothing plastic surgery can't do now.  They can transplant everything from noses to souls.  Do you not like your significant other's soul?  Swap it out.  They don't really need it.  Think how much happier they'd be with a good soul instead of that annoying and unattractive one!  The difference will be monumental. 

Prior to plastic surgery you'd have to find a girl that was compatible with you, now the invisible hand of the free market has finally caught up to demand.  No longer does your wife or girlfriend have to look like a biodegradable  human being, they can be the recyclable conglomerate of plastic you've always wanted!

Ever since I outsourced my facebook my wall posts have exploded!

My dating life is getting rough.  A new girl every one to 60 weeks can be exhausting.  But the most exhausting part is the finding the girl.  They are everywhere but nowhere if that makes sense.  (it doesn't, don't be peer pressured into thinking it does)  I have a plan though.  Outsourcing.  It's the next generation of dating.  I already have an effective CRM (customer resource management) system in place with facebook.  (maybe better described as a FRM)  So it only makes sense that I start to outsource marketing.  Maybe get a guy from India to log in every day, comment on my friends posts, and to post things that are funny and friendly to all of my friends. 

Now, to outsource marketing is step one, the next step is to outsource sales.  That is the next-next level.  This is when I hire a look-a-like to capitalize on the marketing that has already been outsourced.  He'll go on dates, bust a move here or there, and once things are established as good, I'll slide on in and propose. 
Is this genius?  Or super-genius?  What do you think?  I'm going to go with super-genius.  Like Einstein's an idiot level genius, but I could be mistaken, it could be even more genius than that. 

Put that on a plate and microwave it. 

Child labor, schmild labor

When I told my 4 year old that he could do it however he thought best, when discussing his lemonade stand, I didn't expect him to start outsourcing things.  Like marketing.  Why would a 4 year old outsource marketing to India for his lemonade stand?  Because it's "a cheap labor" apparently.  That's weird.  Because I thought 4 year olds were cheap labor.  But turns out 4 year olds are "children" and often "incompetent".  I assured him that I understood his concerns but until he memorized an AMEX card that didn't belong to me, he was going to have to work with the incompetent children here in America. 

As soon as I explained that he couldn't outsource marketing to India, or outsource sales there he started to clearly lose interest in the exercise.  All I wanted was what any other parent wanted; to scare their child so completely that they'd never consider starting their own company.  Just get a job, get a paycheck, get some benefits, and go on your merry way.  Is that too much to ask as a parent?  Is it?  I just want to mitigate the already rampant levels of fear that I have regarding my children to a manageable level.  They already get hurt, in trouble with the law, and drive like lunatics, the least I could ask for is stable employment.

No, it's not a paradigm, I'm physically intolerant of lactose.

She was angry.  Like want-to-slip-dairy-in-my-dinner angry.  Sometimes I didn't realize how vulnerable being lactose intolerant was, but it was.  All it took was a little and I could feel bloated for hours.  My clothes would fit weird.  I'd feel weird, and I swear even my shoes would look odd.  To think she'd do this to the man that she claimed to like?  What kind of sign was this?  Was I missing something?

Later that day in a meeting while trying my very best to pay attention to my text messaging I heard this phrase; Partner Management.  We apparently weren't doing it so great - whatever that meant - and we needed to improve - I didn't know what that meant either.  But as soon as I was able to regain focus and tell my friend that I was positive that Batman could win a battle against Mr. America, even INSIDE of America, I started thinking...  Maybe if my issue with Alli wasn't just the fact that she was prone to threats that involved not taking my life, but ruining it.  Maybe I wasn't properly doing partner management in my relationship in addition to not doing partner management well at my job. 

Could this be true?  Could Alli not simply be evil, but mis-managed?

Are you fast? Ok, ok; what about furious? Are you furious too?

If you ask a dozen people what they think "Channel Management" is, you're going to potentially get a dozen different answers.  That is just reality and if you don't get that, then you probably have some significant, and worrisome issues in your life.  Likely not worrisome to yourself, but worrisome to someone. 

I'll tell you what my gut tells me channel management is; it's making sure you always have the remote.  You need that remote, and if there are two remotes, you need both of them, because otherwise, within minutes that channel is going to change.  And it's going to change fast and it may even change with fury.  Your channel could, just like Paul Walker, start becoming fast and being furious simultaneously!

My gut has never been too good at definitions though, because that answer is wrong.  Channel management is about managing the channels through which your product or service travels to your customer.  Let's say you're Apple.  You have a couple channels through which your product travels, the first is your stores and your website.  After that you have your authorized retailers not the least of which would be AT&T.  These few channels are the bulk of how your customers get your products.  If you neglect these, you will, whether slowly or quickly, lose your current customers and your future ones. 

Yea I covered that cat in peanut butter; what seems to be the issue?

Some times you need to take things to the next level.  Some times the old way just doesn't get the job done.  Some times that haircut that you got in ninth grade with the steps on the side because of MC Hammer just doesn't work in your job interviews any more.  Some times you have to change. 

Experiential marketing feels the same way.  Change or die it screams.  Die or change it restates.  Death or do what I say it re-emphasizes.  And in a way, that is what experiential marketing is about; survival.  In a world where things have such a stronger tendency to die than to stay alive we need to do everything - yes, I mean actually everything - to stay alive.  Wash your neighbor's driveway.  Steal your wife's care and don't tell her about it until after she's reported it to the police.  Cover your cat in peanut butter and then throw it over the fence into who ever has the most dogs in your neighborhood.  If you don't try something - you can't know if it works or doesn't.  So try it all, and yes, try experiential marketing while you're at it.  Because the old stuff, this me-me-me marketing is out.  It's time for a change, and that change could or could not be within your budget. 

Advertising Agencies - the final frontier...

Sometimes life gets weird.  Like really weird.  Like when you start wearing your roommates clothes and showing up to their job claiming to be their boss and then attempting to fire them.  I mean, sometimes it does get weirder than that, but really it's rare when it does.  At least for me, I mean it could be different for you of course.  But once I did that to my roommate and successfully fired him from two advertising agencies in one week.  Which I think was mostly just impressive because he got hired at two jobs in one week, I could have fired him from at least a dozen in that kind of time if he could get hired, I mean he has a lot of clothes, so it's not like I'd run out or anything.  The first job I fired him from was pretty straight forward, but the second time I just started ranting like a mad man yelling until I got everyone's attention and then I fired him. 

He apparently was really upset about that one, because when he yelled back at me about it later he said something about trying to get a job there for months and then that, "It's the best rates advertising agency Albuquerque has!!"  Does that even make sense?  Does he mean it has the best advertising rates for an agency inside of Albuquerque?  Or does he just make weird word juxtapositions when he gets angry?  I can't tell.  Either way I promised to try not to fire him for the next month.  We'll see how that goes...

This?!? It's kool-aid...

If you've ever done some wine tasting,  you've probably been wasted before.  Because cheap, low class, beer is a gateway beverage to wine, it's hard to ever drink wine without having been intoxicated to point of doing mindlessly illegal activities due to a shameful binge on Miller Lite. 

But wine is different.  You travel for wine.  Maybe to Sonoma County California, maybe go on a wine tasting tour.  Who knows?  Wine could take you a lot of places, it sure has taken me a lot of places.  Or at the very least appeared a lot of places that I've already been, like.... restaurants.  And weddings.  And parties.  And my neighbor's house right after getting home during middle school.  That is one of the things that a drink like this can do.  It can improve almost every meal you might eat, like; breakfast, and dinner, and lunch.  Not everything can do that.  Pop-Tarts can't.  You eat a Pop-Tart for dinner and you don't feel improved, you feel concerned.  How has life gotten to the point of eating Pop-Tarts for dinner?  Where did you go wrong?  Was it that girl you dated freshman year of college?  Is that where things took a turn?  Or was it something, or someone, more than that?  Or do you even know?!  DO YOU?

Where'd you move to? - Neptune, it's very nice this time of year.

Do you think Port Angeles is really just an entry way into the United States for escaped angels?  Cause if so, you might be delusional.  Like the kind of person who tries selling real estate in space for example.  That person is delusional on a crazy level.  Certainly ambitious, but certainly crazy.  Because the thing about Space Real Estate is that it's inaccessible.  Like no one can get there.  And who is going to buy a piece of real estate that they've never seen?  I'm not.  I mean I might be interested if I knew that I could somehow sell it later for more, but that's the thing about Space RE - it's risky.  It's a gamble.  The market could be up one year, and down for the next century.  ROIs that don't return on my investment for 50 or 100 years down the road don't appeal to me.  Because I've made a very committed commitment to be dead as soon as is practical.  Not because I'm depressed, but just because life doesn't feel worth living any more. 

Everyone should have some sort of rules in life on property acquisition.  If you don't, you might just buy every piece of RE that comes around.  Even if that piece of property happens to be in space.

No, I just was planning on staying here for a little bit...

The biggest purchase the average American will make will be a piece of real estate that they will call home.  The biggest regrets the average American will have will probably take place on  or concerning that piece of real estate as well. 

The collapse that has happened in America has been widespread.  Demographically and geographically.  From Port Angeles WA down to Miami FL, houses are being lost by everyone.  The rich and the poor alike.  (Well, not the super rich...but some of the lesser rich.  You know the type.  They look rich?  The "I have a lot of loans right now" type of rich.  There's more of them than we'd like to believe.  And one of them happens to be the US Govt.  Remember them?)

The whole real estate crisis that is happening here in the states in some parts of the world is completely incomprehensible.  Fly to Egypt and ask someone if they understand the real estate crisis here in the US, likely they will not.  Why?  Because in Egypt you can't get a loan to buy property.  You buy it with cash or you don't buy it at all.  It is a completely unAmerican philosophy.  Try having a real estate collapse with that.

Reading is dumm.

When I was in third grade, kids may have called me a few synonyms for the word "dumb".  A few that weren't really politically correct from what I could tell.  It wasn't because I was particularly stupid, just because I couldn't read English.  Or any other language for that matter.  So, when I failed English, the school wanted to make me try again, but my mother made a deal: 3 years worth of English books for one year of not failing.  The school took it. 

So, next thing I knew I was at a bunch of English summer camps.  Only thing these English Summer Camps were all at the same place and being administered by the same people; my mother and grandmother.  Considering my father from all I could tell couldn't speak English either I kind of thought he should have been enrolled in some sort of ESL Summer Camp at the very least.  Turns out if you're a scientist speaking English is a disability though, so no one cared. 

You're probably wondering how English Summer Camps go.  They go horrible.  I got one ice cream sandwich for every 10 pages of work.  If I knew how I would have cried all day, but I was hardened.  English Summer Camps will do that to a man.  (and to a child it turns out)

I'll be singing, "My heart will go on" (even though you killed it)

What are my emotions regarding karaoke dj software?  Only the strongest emotions I have.  Not only strong - but overwhelming.  DJ's make you dance, and dancing is a result of feeling, and feeling is the foundation of being human, so what - WHAT - could be more significant in my life, than karaoke dj software? 

Actually, now that I read that, I'm not entirely sure that "karaoke dj software" will actually make you dance.  It might just make you sing.  Which is also important by the way.  Singing, man, that is the real heart of man isn't it?  I mean when you don't feel like singing you don't feel like living.  You feel like dying.  You feel like death.  So maybe this is more important than I initially thought - maybe this is even more fundamental to being human than I imagined.  Yes, I may have underestimated karaoke dj software once, but I never will again.  I'm different.  I've changed.  People tell me that all the time, and I'm like:

YOU KNOW WHY?!?!

and they usually respond with something like,

Because you just yell all the time now?  

But that isn't it.  It's the singing.  What they think is yelling - actually singing, which brings me to the point; The reason karaoke dj software is important is because the smoother the process to get you singing is, the better your singing is going to be, and that's what life's about.  That and fuel from dinosaurs.  

I bought a spaceship. Tell me I didn't - I dare you.

I have veins, but I'm pretty sure Austin has more veins.  That's because he's on steroids; that or he works out.  I'm not sure which it is.  If it's the latter he must be doing it a lot, because I work out but I don't have veins like that.  I wonder if he ever worries that by working out too much he'll get varicose veins?  I never asked him that.  I bet someone at Georgetown knows the answer to that, which frankly is why I like universities.  And the internet.  Like the internet more.  More info it feels like.  And office hours are longer.  At least twice as long. 

I just looked up varicose veins and the internet told me that they are swollen, twisted, and sometimes painful veins that have filled with an abnormal collection of blood.  (You can check google health for that).  I guess a lot of the causes of this is just hereditary.  The other potential cause is that you have been standing too much.  Basically is a result of bad valves.

Bad valves are a bad situation in anything it seems like.  Bad valves in a car: bad.  Bad valves in your heart: bad.  Bad valves in a rocket ship: probably bad too. 

Computers aren't real - Duh!

You know what I don't believe in?  Computer repair.  I don't believe in it.  Just buy a new computer.  If your computer doesn't work anymore, just get a new one.  Repairing them costs money, and who wants to do that?  It's like repairing a car - nobody does that.  I sure don't.  Bad transmission?  New car.  Broken ball joint?  New car.  Dead battery?  New car. 

Actually, that isn't totally true.  Computer repair might make sense in some circumstances.  Take my parent's computer for example.  I go to use it and it is as slow as molasses in the middle of December in Sioux Falls.  So?  Time for a computer repair.  In this particular case I just upgraded the RAM.  My parent's don't know how computers work and think RAM is an animal.  After I got their computers working on a functional level I installed software so in the future I could do a remote computer fix. Now when they complain about things I just have them turn the computer on, and I do the computer repair from wherever I am. 

It's a remote computer fix. 

It's the future.

So maybe it is smart to fix computers.  Or just buy a new one, it may be easier.   

The TV is broken.

If I'm out on the town, and this is regardless of what town; NY, Washington DC, LA, doesn't matter - you can bet on one thing; my parents are going to call me. 

If my parents call me when I'm out on the town, you can count on one other thing: they can't figure out how to use something that has a power switch on it. 

My folks know how to open the doors to their house, and turn on their cars, but when it comes to technology, they fall a bit short.  The fact that they still have managed to get my cell phone number means their IT outsourcing has become pretty simple.  I'm like a virtual service desk.  I provide technical services for everything from:

The TV doesn't work...

 to

The computer stole my credit card...

 I love when the descriptions are so definitive.  Like, "The TV is broken".  Well, if it's broken, why would you call me when I'd have to take a plane to come see you?  But don't worry - it never is broken.  This is what I call "User Error".  If you have ever worked in a technical services type position, you'll know that most technology failures are actually user failures. 

I suppose it's only a matter of time before my number is under "System Admin" on my mother's phone.

Once I ran into a burning building to save a robot. Impressed?

You know what a leadership consultants do? They take what little skill you have so far, and they make it something worthwhile.  Something that can change who you are, how you shake hands, how you yell at employees. Corporate coaching should change this.

Leadership development, as much as I wish it could, can't be developed in a one hour seminar.  Maybe a two hour seminar...but a one hour is pushing it.  To lead you need a few things.  First you need some sort of vision.  You need to know where you're going.  This applies to driving to a store, and to taking a company public.  As the Bible warns; Where there is no vision, the people perish - especially in Pittsburgh.  The next thing you're going to need, and an executive coach may or may not tell you this, but it is nonetheless true; you need integrity.  People are drawn to leaders who are honest, and who are worth more than a series of feel good words.  Leadership challenges are varied and complicated, and if you are missing integrity and vision, you are going to not get anywhere fast, and likely when you look behind you no one will be following.


Leadership development in a company can take it from the red to the black, and even better; from the black, to the more black.  Like black hole black.  Super super black.  So much black you won't know what to do with it. 

Historically speaking, most good leaders own a sword.

Big money, spending G's

Websites are big business.  Why?  Because customers they're like stores without the 17 year old kid who keeps asking you if you need help.  Or the 17 year old kid who avoids you the whole time.  Either way, a website never has either of those 17 year olds on it. 

I have a couple websites, just side investments that never do anything.  That isn't my dream though.  My dream is to sell my website for a billion dollars.  I used to think selling it for a hundred dollars would be a good dream but then I realized that that was a super sucky dream, so I upped it.  Now I figure I'll sell my site for a billion dollars, and then just throw cash out the window of my Gulfstream while flying over the ocean.  That way a guy could get shipwrecked, be on the edge of death, and then find 5,000 dollars in hundred dollar bills and be overcome with joy only to realize he is still going to die a slow and painful death by dehydration, or a quicker and scarier death by shark attack. 

Either way, I think that selling my website for a billion is a good idea. 

David Dustin once gave himself CPR

You ever heard someone complain about "the man"?  That's David Dustin.  You ever hear someone say, "I don't got a flat tire on the highway on the way to my wedding and some guy I don't know pulled over and fixed it for me."  That's also David Dustin. You ever hear a bear say, "I stole this camp food the other night but the protein content was so high I couldn't digest it."  That was David Dustin's camp food.  You ever hear a girl say, "He took me out once; we had a great time and now he doesn't call me..." also David Dustin.

That's Dave.  "David Dustin's the man"

Once someone described wrestling David Dustin as, "What I'd imagine it would be like to wrestle a giant bear"  That someone was actually a giant bear.