Fashion Forward.

Mens designer clothing is one of those things that I know exists, but I never see. That's because I live outside of both New York, LA, Paris, and some other places. It's also because I'm writing this on 3 Ring binder.

Looking good goes places with some people. It will help you with the women. It will help you with the dudes. It will even help you with more women. Something about a well dressed man that makes women go crazy. It's no mystery, they just assume that it means you have money. Women love money. It means they can have babies and not worry about anything else. It also probably means you work a lot which is perfect. Keeps you out of their way. They're only interested in you for a few things anyways and most of those don't actually require your presence.

There is truth to the whole dress-for-success thing. That's why taller people get promoted more. It makes sense. If you're taller than me you must be wiser than me. And in charge. That was the rule for all of your formative years so why would it change now? Tall people are adults/authorities and short people are children/subjects. It's simple.

Keep the designer menswear in check though. Don't get too crazy or women will assume you're interested in different players. Not that there's anything wrong with that... (seinfeld reference)

Design: Hard to do well.

Website design is one of those things. You know what I'm talking about... Those things that done right is almost transparent, but when done poorly is glaringly obvious. It's the terrible reality of design in general, so easy to get done, but so hard to get done right.

Welcome to the world of art.

I have some friends who do design, one of them is from Florida. Naples? Boca Raton? I can't recall. But I've never seen his work. And frankly I'm scared to, because what if it's bad? What do you say to that? That is the other thing with design, my personal belief on it is that good design isn't loved at first sight. It's questioned. It's one of those things that makes you look twice. You want an accessible example? Ok. I'll give you one:

The car industry.

Have you ever seen a new car model and thought, “Uhh....” only to love it 6 months later? That's called vegetable design. I just coined that term. It's not sugar. It's the good stuff. The stuff that holds over time. An example of this? Hard to say. Because design is factor of time. I had this experience with the current generation BMW X5.  I was happy with the prior generation of it, but the new one I was hesitant. I wasn't repulsed, but I wasn't enchanted. The quick sells usually wear off. Keep that in mind when considering design. Your mind has to absorb a bit sometimes.  

Pheasant: I think I love you...

I'll tell you what I've never done; South Dakota pheasant hunting. It's not that I haven't wanted to. I mean if there's anything I think deserve hunting (besides people) it's going to be pheasants. Especially the ones in South Dakota. There's barely anything in SD so if you get hungry you're probably going to have to kill something. May be field cat or something but either way you're going to get your hands dirty.

In addition to never having shot a pheasant, I don't believe I've eaten a pheasant. Not to say I'm uncivilized. I've eaten chicken. Real chicken, not just the McD Happy Meal stuff. In fact I dare say if there was pheasant in my house right now I'd shoot it, and then microwave it till it became delicious and loved me. I don't know how long that takes, but I'll do it. That's the way you should go into a relationship, determined to do whatever it takes. If that's 10 minutes, or 100 years. That's how I feel about the pheasant. I'm committed. Do you feel that? That drive/motivation/hunger/determination/love? This has me pumped up. I'm determined. I'm gonna drive to SD, find a gun somewhere, and then find a bird and shoot it till it loves me.

Wish me luck.

Someone please erase the government for me.

The country is in shambles, and if you watch the Glenn Beck show you've probably already bought ammo and a machine gun and yell and/or cry every time you talk. That's reasonable. It doesn't mean you're crazy, or insane, or unstable, or should be institutionalized. Unless today is opposite day – WHICH IT IS!

Anyways. You know the depressing part of the country being in shambles is the fact that I can't count on anything in the future. Social Security? That's dead. That's why there's Social Security lawyers. Just check out Detroit. They're there.

The real thing that bothers me sometimes is when I hear older people talk about how younger people don't have any morals and aren't living their lives right. Gee. How has that happened? Maybe we should find out who raised them? I think talking poorly about the next generation is the most self-incriminating thing a person can do. Kids don't just end up crazy. They don't just spontaneously become moral-deprived and crazy. Someone raised them, and while you can't wholly hold the guardian responsible you just about can. Find me a good person, and then show me their parents – you'll find they are pretty similarly good people.

"No I'm not paying gas - you rolled the car!"

Any time you need open a phone book and start looking for certain things it usually means bad news. Like, “emergency dentist” or “Knoxville attorney” or “auto body shop”. I hate when things go wrong. Problem is they always do. If they didn't there wouldn't so many people who's business cards say “Personal Injury Attorney” on them. It's unfortunate, but just the reality of being alive.

Personally I've been passenger to more than a dozen car accidents. There was a period there where if you gave me a ride I assumed it was because you wanted to try to kill me. I'd tell people that in the case of an accident I wouldn't pay any gas money, kind of a double whammy but that was just the reality of you trying to kill me.

Once I came across a car that was rolled over, had blood in it, and a cell phone. No one to be seen. About 13 miles outside of a town in Idaho. It was kind of crazy. Turned out two girls had crashed, and then gotten out of the car, walked to the street and hitched a ride home. Apparently not too concerned with the vehicle. Weird.

So anyways, the point is, I'll drive myself.

Pee-Wee Gambling: Good Fun and Good Exercise

Soccer betting is cool. You can bet on that. I mean what other activity can you as a young-something-something mother can participate in on a regular basis without requiring you to neglect your children. In between yelling soccer tips to your kid you can yell trash talk to whatever self-centered mother of a child is betting against you. If this doesn't make your day-to-day living better then I don't know what will. Gambling at pee-wee soccer games is the best thing I've ever done. Previously I could care less about what was happening at those athletically impaired people's games but as soon as I got Tommy's next month's worth of lunch money involved it's really gotten me involved.

Not only does soccer practice betting make time drag less for me, it teaches my kid the value of hard work.

“What? You didn't like not eating lunch today? Better go win back my money. HUSTLE!”

You think that kid is going to be a hard worker? You bet. I also bet, but we've already established that.

All my life I thought I had to bet on professional sports, that is cool but nothing as pure as amateur betting. So get a friend, go to a local park, and just start placing bets. It'll be awesome.*

*author doesn't actually endorse this

Technically speaking, I'm going to say this is stupid.

Seems like every school should be a Massachusetts technical school.  I mean isn't everything supposed to be technical in some degree?  And in Mass?  I suppose I'm just arguing semantics at this point but whatever. 

I went to a normal school and sometimes I think, “Did I learn anything?”  Because when you do technical training, there is defined and clear cut application.  Which I like.  My program, not quite as much so.  A bit less.  I don't really like that.  I feel like everything should be taught with it's real-life application.  Is that not practical?  I think it is. 

Sometimes I feel like the problem with education is that we teach people and we teach them by showing them what we've learned which I feel like inhibits the other's ability to learn it themselves.  That's what I always hated about math, it was like;

Here is a problem.  Here is the solution. 

It was like, “HEY!  GIVE ME A SECOND TO FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF!”

I always hated that.  If you want me to learn, why are you telling me the answers?  I understand like in English, this word means this and the such, but in math?  In MATH?  In math I think that's a terrible approach.  You've given me the principles, now let me apply them.  But maybe that's just me.

Marshmallow: STOP JUDGING ME!!

Teaching your children values is one of those things you have to question, you just have to ask yourself – what is the point?

I know, I know, you're thinking:

“Jon – there's no way you're going to convince me that my lying, stealing, violent kids can absorb values. It's impossible.”

Children really aren't all evil though, some of them even say nice things and then do nice things. It's rare. It's an anomaly, but it happens. In fact, some people believe that kids actually don't mean to be so heartless, they just don't know a better way. They don't “get it” so to speak.

I'm kidding of course. I'm almost sure of it.

Have you ever seen this experiment with kids and marshmallows? “You can wait 15 minutes and get a second marshmellow or eat the current one and not get a second marshmallow”. That's basically the experiment. Then you leave the room, turn on the camera and watch pure suffering. The crazy thing? This guy ended up following up on the experiment. He had over 600 individuals particpate, so he sent surveys out along with an S.A.T. Score request.

The result? Simple: the ones who waited scored higher, and were better at maintaining friends.  

Do you know how long 15 minutes is?  I'm not sure I'd pass that test as an adult..

Please, no dinosaurs or vikings in the living room.

You know what the thing is about normal furniture is? It's weak. You don't want to sit on the shoulder of a couch cause you might break it. Is that cool? No. Did Vikings ever say,

“HEY – CAREFUL ON THAT CHAIR – IT'S DELICATE!”

No. They never did. And frankly, I'm pretty sure that dinosaurs never did either. So – if Vikings and dinosaurs never did it, I'm not going to do it. Just like I'm not going to pay for food. Vikings never did that. Neither did dinosaurs. So that's my new life policies:

1. Only buy log furniture. Furniture made of complete LOGS.
2. Never pay for food.

I'm gonna get a log bed. A log couch. A log table. It's not cabin décor – it's man décor. Although I must say that the usage of “décor” makes me a little uncomfortable. Maybe I should just go with “stuff”. “Man stuff”.

One of the terrible things about buying nice stuff is that it inevitably wears down, looks bad, and then even though it may still be functional you have to give to a college student. So that's why you just buy indestructible stuff. Then you never have to worry. Unless you have a dinosaur of course. 

Not a dinosaur = Chair is fine

Bird Marketing

When my bird first got obsessed with natural hair care products it was consequent of a late night infomercial I believe. If your bird talks and you have a TV, make sure to never leave the remote out for him to use. Particularly if he's an infomercial junkie. Now he's obsessed with shampoo. If you have any Dove product and you pull it out of the bag after shopping he goes,

• ARE YOU DAMAGING YOUR HAIR?

Yes Fred. I'm damaging my hair. And you're a bird. So I refuse to take hair advice from you. My friends have started calling him “NHC Bird” for “Natural Hair Care Bird”. It doesn't seem to bother him. Of course he is a bird and mostly enjoys barking when the cat is in the room and when the cat isn't, he meows. Not exactly the great intellectual of the household.

Of course if your bird keeps hassling you about your shampoo it's gonna start affecting you. This has to be the most effective marketing ever.

• YOUR HAIR LOOKS DAMAGED

Of course it does help that Natural Hair Care Bird only yells when he talks. So guess what? Now I'm buying natural hair care products. And taking the batteries out of the remote. 

Stop looking at my face - my hair is up here!

As a young-something-something-year-old, do you know how I get by? On my hair. I wish it wasn't that case, I mean I wish I could just get by on pure looks. But I don't have that fortune. My face is somewhat unpleasant. Nothing anyone gets excited about. But my hair? That's a different issue. It's like a miracle. If I lived at the right time in history and in the right location simultaneously I'm pretty sure that my hair would constitute some sort of idol. There probably would be some sort of wall carvings related to it.

As a possible hair-god I think it's only appropriate that I am very careful with my hair. I have to do all I can to maintain the long and well established leading position that has been my hair's lot thus far in my life. So is it crazy that I am inclined towards natural hair care products? Products specifically developed for my type of hair like curly hair shampoo? Or curly hair gel?

I don't think it's crazy. I think it's perfectly rational. My hair came from the earth and I think the products that care for it should too. It makes sense. Natural hair care is perfectly in-line with the rest of me. Does this not look like a natural hair cut?

How Pilates Works: Trust Me, I'm a Dude.

Everyone who is hot is almost universally on the pilates. Ever been to LA? Everyone in LA is on it. “Los Angeles Pilates” they call it. Or “LAP” for short. And in Newport they call it “NBCP” for Newport Beach CA Pilates. Ok... I made that up too. But from now on I'm calling Newport Beach “NBC”. I think it works. Back to the point.

Something about pilates makes women look better I think. And I'm speaking objectively. Being a man I'm chemically only capable of speaking objectively about women, otherwise I would speak differently, but you can't fight your own chemicals can you? I think not. You want my theory on it? Here:

First: I think in anything you reward the action you want. So – if you are a business you reward customers that purchase things from you. You reward the ones that help you do what you're designed to do – stay in business. It's rewarding what you want. I think the same thing stands true in exercise. If you want to look like you can lift a Winnebago, you practice lifting things similar to Winnebagos. If you want to look like you are long, and elegant, you practice long and elegant poses. Isn't that all pilates is? Trying to stand in fancy ways? I think so.

There you go. Pure truth. You can thank me later.

Store this.

Do you have Tucker GA storage issues?  If you think you do it's probably because you don't understand what it's like to live in New York City.  I have a friend who lived with my other friend in NYC and they shared a room.  It was like 10 x 10 maybe?  One had a loft bed, the other lived under it.  And then they had a desk.  That's a storage issue. 

When you HAVE to shuffle stuff onto your bed when you organize, you have a storage issue. 

Kind of reminds me of a joke by a guy Mike Birbiglia where he runs into a mouse in his apartment and is wondering who is going to have to move out because there's not enough room for the both of them. 

The thing about storage that makes no sense is the whole reality of it – which basically is you bought something that you are now paying to store.  You are paying for a relationship with something that you aren't having a relationship with and that you paid to start a relationship with.  This is very similar to child support now that I think of it.  If you want a kid, then fine.  Have one.  Live with them.  Talk to their co-parent.  Otherwise, it is one of the least rational investments ever.  It's crazy.

Zombie Law; it'll be the death of you.

Lexington isn't the friendly town you think. It has stuff going on. It has dirty, complicated, incomprehensible, legal stuff going on. It has, family law.

Yea. You heard me. Lexington family law. It's like Marshall Law but worse. It's like … … Zombie law. Yea. Chicken nuggets are to chicken as Zombie law is to family law. Make sense? You following this? If so you must be lit out of your mind.

Anyways. Everyone knows family law just deals with families and that a Lexington family law office isn't the same thing as Zombie law. At least I hope not. Although I suppose that is a bit unfair. I maybe am generalizing a bit? Maybe being zombie racist? Is there a term for this I'm overlooking? I hope so. Because if there is a better term I'd like to know it. And if there isn't I'd like someone to make it up. And then tell me about it.

Either way, if your town ever comes under zombie law I'm pretty sure it's a bad day for you. I wouldn't accept it. I'd get out. Maybe buy some video games, watch Michael Jackson's Thriller, and then take from there. Otherwise, you're probably done for. 

 

Electricity, Schmelectricity.

You know why you need electricity in Minneapolis? Because if you don't have any it will get dark. Every night. Every day of the year. This is the reason of course everyone is interested in Minneapolis want a Minneapolis electrician around. If that guy leaves, everything falls apart.

Personally I think we've become too dependent on electricity. That and the internet. I mean what happens if either one of those things leave? What do we do then? No electricity? People wouldn't know what to do with themselves. They'd be running around like hyenas. Personally I try to go without electricity every other year. It's not as hard as you think it is. And if I can do it anyone can do it. First off – move out of your house and/or apartment. Living in a house these days is like being inundated with modern thinking and all modern thinking is frantically attached to this whole electricity concept. Second do everything during the day. It won't be long before you realize that electricity is superficial. Un-needed.

Hear that Minneapolis? Turns out you don't need your Minneapolis electrician. You can just live in the street, cuddle with vagrant dogs on the cold nights, and you'll be fine. 

World's Best Dentist

Who do you think is the best dentist in the world? Like they are such a good dentist, that when you visit them you leave not even caring if you brush your teeth. Cause you had a good time. It was great. It was a blast. You loved it. You had a fine time. You don't even feel stress about it. You kind of even feel good about needles now. You sort of like them, and that's without ever doing heroin. (very hard to do)

I'd like to find this dentist, because at the moment, I don't feel particularly happy when I think of the dentist. I don't think “dentist” and then smile. But I'm open to the concept. I have a suspicion that northern CA might have a great dentist. You know one of these really rich areas. Like a San Jose dentist genius or something.

San Jose has some cash flowing through it right? There's more than one billionaire hanging out there right? Like money isn't completely in short supply. The question is though, if cash would drive the world's best dentist. Or if to perform on that level he'd have to have some more altruistic motive. If that's the case then the San Jose Dentist may not be the solution. But worth checking....

Have you ever...?

Have you ever been hit in the face with a car?

Have you ever accidentally swallowed an entire water bottle that WASN'T biodegradable?

Have you ever had your shirt fall off in the middle of an important phone interview?

Have you ever accidentally stolen a Rolls Royce from your brother-in-laws Uncle who happens to be a prominent San Jose dentist?

Have you ever visited a San Jose dentist only to realize it's the same dude who's RR you stole the week prior?

Have you ever meant to shampoo your kids dog but instead ended up Nairing it?

Have you ever found out that your online girlfriend is actually a 14 year old socially awkward kid from a suburb of Tampa Florida?

Have you ever robbed a convenience store to only realize it's actually your own kitchen?

Have you ever been drinking milk only to later realize it's thinned white paint?

Have you ever been so dizzy that when you went to walk up the stairs instead of using your feet you used your face?

Have you ever had an enlightening conversation only to realize that the other person isn't really listening to you and they are actually an old Jenn-Air refrigerator.

Have you ever bought a new moped only to get it home and realize it's a drunk chihuahua? 

  

VIOLA - The Pain is Gone!

In San Jose, like in other places, you sometimes have to go to the dentist. That's right. The San Jose Dentist. (I'm guessing...I suppose they could be called something else...)

Personally, I hate the dentist. I can say that because I have several friends who are dentists and they are all pretty universally hatable. You know those guys; nice, smart, in-shape, smooth with the ladies, etc. You know, the jerks. I hate all of those people.

Have you ever had a cavity? Like one that just hurt all the time and you couldn't wait – it was like a non-stop emergency that didn't actually threaten your life, just hurt you? And then – after hours – days – weeks – you finally get to the dentist, and then VIOLA! You're healed. It's like magic!

Yea. I've never had that happen. So...I'm not that into the whole dentist thing. I just brush my teeth and use super-glue* for sealant.

Anyways. I kind of got on a tangent. I had something to say about opening a San Jose Dentist office but got too distracted obviously. My apologies.

*the author of this post does NOT, nor anyone else he is aware of, recommend using super-glue for some sort of makeshift sealant.

Auto repair: best done with trust.

Auto repair in Boise is a lot like auto repair other places: generally painful.

People as a whole hate doing auto repair because they don't know anything about it. It might as well be black hole repair. That's why it's important to get someone that you can trust, and who will explain crap to you in a coherent and reasonable manner.

I think the real issue with most repair shops, whether for auto or anything technical like computer or the such is the inability for those who understand the issues to explain them to those who don't. There's a reason for that of course; it's hard.

Do you do anything well? Do you understand anything thoroughly? Do you constitute an expert in any field? Have you ever tried explaining something from that field to someone who doesn't understand it at all? It's hard. And it costs money if it's your business. If you own a Boise auto repair shop, you probably don't enjoy explaining to an accountant what and why they need a new oxygen sensor. Same with when my parents want an explanation on why they need a new computer. The explanation part is the worst part. I just wish they trusted me because they certainly don't understand me.

So there's the trick; find someone you trust. (no one said tricks were easy) – actually...