Pee-Wee Gambling: Good Fun and Good Exercise

Soccer betting is cool. You can bet on that. I mean what other activity can you as a young-something-something mother can participate in on a regular basis without requiring you to neglect your children. In between yelling soccer tips to your kid you can yell trash talk to whatever self-centered mother of a child is betting against you. If this doesn't make your day-to-day living better then I don't know what will. Gambling at pee-wee soccer games is the best thing I've ever done. Previously I could care less about what was happening at those athletically impaired people's games but as soon as I got Tommy's next month's worth of lunch money involved it's really gotten me involved.

Not only does soccer practice betting make time drag less for me, it teaches my kid the value of hard work.

“What? You didn't like not eating lunch today? Better go win back my money. HUSTLE!”

You think that kid is going to be a hard worker? You bet. I also bet, but we've already established that.

All my life I thought I had to bet on professional sports, that is cool but nothing as pure as amateur betting. So get a friend, go to a local park, and just start placing bets. It'll be awesome.*

*author doesn't actually endorse this

Technically speaking, I'm going to say this is stupid.

Seems like every school should be a Massachusetts technical school.  I mean isn't everything supposed to be technical in some degree?  And in Mass?  I suppose I'm just arguing semantics at this point but whatever. 

I went to a normal school and sometimes I think, “Did I learn anything?”  Because when you do technical training, there is defined and clear cut application.  Which I like.  My program, not quite as much so.  A bit less.  I don't really like that.  I feel like everything should be taught with it's real-life application.  Is that not practical?  I think it is. 

Sometimes I feel like the problem with education is that we teach people and we teach them by showing them what we've learned which I feel like inhibits the other's ability to learn it themselves.  That's what I always hated about math, it was like;

Here is a problem.  Here is the solution. 

It was like, “HEY!  GIVE ME A SECOND TO FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF!”

I always hated that.  If you want me to learn, why are you telling me the answers?  I understand like in English, this word means this and the such, but in math?  In MATH?  In math I think that's a terrible approach.  You've given me the principles, now let me apply them.  But maybe that's just me.

Marshmallow: STOP JUDGING ME!!

Teaching your children values is one of those things you have to question, you just have to ask yourself – what is the point?

I know, I know, you're thinking:

“Jon – there's no way you're going to convince me that my lying, stealing, violent kids can absorb values. It's impossible.”

Children really aren't all evil though, some of them even say nice things and then do nice things. It's rare. It's an anomaly, but it happens. In fact, some people believe that kids actually don't mean to be so heartless, they just don't know a better way. They don't “get it” so to speak.

I'm kidding of course. I'm almost sure of it.

Have you ever seen this experiment with kids and marshmallows? “You can wait 15 minutes and get a second marshmellow or eat the current one and not get a second marshmallow”. That's basically the experiment. Then you leave the room, turn on the camera and watch pure suffering. The crazy thing? This guy ended up following up on the experiment. He had over 600 individuals particpate, so he sent surveys out along with an S.A.T. Score request.

The result? Simple: the ones who waited scored higher, and were better at maintaining friends.  

Do you know how long 15 minutes is?  I'm not sure I'd pass that test as an adult..

Please, no dinosaurs or vikings in the living room.

You know what the thing is about normal furniture is? It's weak. You don't want to sit on the shoulder of a couch cause you might break it. Is that cool? No. Did Vikings ever say,

“HEY – CAREFUL ON THAT CHAIR – IT'S DELICATE!”

No. They never did. And frankly, I'm pretty sure that dinosaurs never did either. So – if Vikings and dinosaurs never did it, I'm not going to do it. Just like I'm not going to pay for food. Vikings never did that. Neither did dinosaurs. So that's my new life policies:

1. Only buy log furniture. Furniture made of complete LOGS.
2. Never pay for food.

I'm gonna get a log bed. A log couch. A log table. It's not cabin décor – it's man décor. Although I must say that the usage of “décor” makes me a little uncomfortable. Maybe I should just go with “stuff”. “Man stuff”.

One of the terrible things about buying nice stuff is that it inevitably wears down, looks bad, and then even though it may still be functional you have to give to a college student. So that's why you just buy indestructible stuff. Then you never have to worry. Unless you have a dinosaur of course. 

Not a dinosaur = Chair is fine

Bird Marketing

When my bird first got obsessed with natural hair care products it was consequent of a late night infomercial I believe. If your bird talks and you have a TV, make sure to never leave the remote out for him to use. Particularly if he's an infomercial junkie. Now he's obsessed with shampoo. If you have any Dove product and you pull it out of the bag after shopping he goes,

• ARE YOU DAMAGING YOUR HAIR?

Yes Fred. I'm damaging my hair. And you're a bird. So I refuse to take hair advice from you. My friends have started calling him “NHC Bird” for “Natural Hair Care Bird”. It doesn't seem to bother him. Of course he is a bird and mostly enjoys barking when the cat is in the room and when the cat isn't, he meows. Not exactly the great intellectual of the household.

Of course if your bird keeps hassling you about your shampoo it's gonna start affecting you. This has to be the most effective marketing ever.

• YOUR HAIR LOOKS DAMAGED

Of course it does help that Natural Hair Care Bird only yells when he talks. So guess what? Now I'm buying natural hair care products. And taking the batteries out of the remote. 

Stop looking at my face - my hair is up here!

As a young-something-something-year-old, do you know how I get by? On my hair. I wish it wasn't that case, I mean I wish I could just get by on pure looks. But I don't have that fortune. My face is somewhat unpleasant. Nothing anyone gets excited about. But my hair? That's a different issue. It's like a miracle. If I lived at the right time in history and in the right location simultaneously I'm pretty sure that my hair would constitute some sort of idol. There probably would be some sort of wall carvings related to it.

As a possible hair-god I think it's only appropriate that I am very careful with my hair. I have to do all I can to maintain the long and well established leading position that has been my hair's lot thus far in my life. So is it crazy that I am inclined towards natural hair care products? Products specifically developed for my type of hair like curly hair shampoo? Or curly hair gel?

I don't think it's crazy. I think it's perfectly rational. My hair came from the earth and I think the products that care for it should too. It makes sense. Natural hair care is perfectly in-line with the rest of me. Does this not look like a natural hair cut?

How Pilates Works: Trust Me, I'm a Dude.

Everyone who is hot is almost universally on the pilates. Ever been to LA? Everyone in LA is on it. “Los Angeles Pilates” they call it. Or “LAP” for short. And in Newport they call it “NBCP” for Newport Beach CA Pilates. Ok... I made that up too. But from now on I'm calling Newport Beach “NBC”. I think it works. Back to the point.

Something about pilates makes women look better I think. And I'm speaking objectively. Being a man I'm chemically only capable of speaking objectively about women, otherwise I would speak differently, but you can't fight your own chemicals can you? I think not. You want my theory on it? Here:

First: I think in anything you reward the action you want. So – if you are a business you reward customers that purchase things from you. You reward the ones that help you do what you're designed to do – stay in business. It's rewarding what you want. I think the same thing stands true in exercise. If you want to look like you can lift a Winnebago, you practice lifting things similar to Winnebagos. If you want to look like you are long, and elegant, you practice long and elegant poses. Isn't that all pilates is? Trying to stand in fancy ways? I think so.

There you go. Pure truth. You can thank me later.